I Swear You Will Be Fine

I think it’s worst for Cadbury. It’s terrible for everyone but I think it has to be worst for him. We got him when he was only a few months old and he was with Josh throughout his illness. It wasn’t love at first sight with Cadbury, but we happened to watch him get his first vaccination. All the other dogs wailed but this tiny brown puppy just took it. And then we all fell in love with him. Josh had insane pain tolerance too. We’d both have the exact same procedures but while I made a massive fuss, he behaved as though nothing had happened. It’s a testament to how awful his illness must have been that Josh, who got through things none of us would have, eventually succumbed to it. 

I remember Josh was well for the first week before we got Cadbury. Then we realised my father was going to move back in and Josh got really, really upset. My Mum wasn’t home. So I literally just picked up Caddy and put him in Josh’s arms. I still remember Josh crying but just clutching Caddy. Josh was so little then, only 11, but Caddy was even smaller. 

Cadbury would bite everyone but Joshua. He would let Josh clean his eyes, move him wherever, do anything. Whereas if one of us tried petting him when he didn’t want to be pet, we’d be left with permanent scars. The dogs slept in Joshua’s bed, were walked twice a day by Josh, were fed by him, and ultimately were the ones with him when he passed. I think that’s the biggest testament that he wasn’t lucid or rational when it happened. 

I’m convinced it’s worst for Cadbury. He wouldn’t let me pick him up this much before but I think I smell the most like Josh so he lets me now. I wish he didn’t have to. I lifted him up during the wake to see Joshua’s body and I think he knew. Josh might say I’m going mad but I’m convinced Caddy knew. Cadbury probably spent more time in Joshua’s presence that any of us in the last ten years.

I had a slight meltdown a few days after Josh passed. He loved the dogs more than anything,  but I kept thinking, do they have dogs in heaven? None of us were sure. That night, my best friend in London called to check in. “I don’t know if it’s the right time to tell you, but my dog Snowy is about to pass away.” So I made Josh promise to look after Snowy in heaven. Snowy’s owner helps look after me here. I hate talking to Josh in my head. I talked to him so much less when he was around. I wish it could go back to that. 

It feels like some awful joke that the dog we got to help Josh has outlived him. But Cadbury did his job. He helped Josh live several years beyond what he might have. He’s so sad now, but if Caddy can find a way to keep going, the rest of us do too. Josh would never have chosen to leave Cadbury and Knight, let alone the rest of us. Caddy is waiting to see Josh again. So now I’ll clutch him whenever I’m home and sad. If that means I will clutch him all the time until I see Josh again, I don’t think Cadbury minds. 

Love, Jess