I Swear You Will Be Fine

We are slowly trying to return to our new normal, spending more time at home, the sanctuary it was to you for most of your life.

You are everywhere in our house. Your framed picture at the entrance with the Yankee candle continuously burning and the flowers Ammamma religiously buys and arranges weekly. Your Adidas cap still sits on the hallway cabinet. Your sugar-free jello still neatly arranged in the fridge. Fully assembled Lego displayed all over the house, but the partially assembled Harry Potter Lego you started at Christmas still sits unfinished in the study room. WWE signed autographs, belts and merchandise are in every corner. Your toothbrush and teeth whitening toothpaste you loved still sit on the bathroom vanity. Your room is exactly the way it is, with the snowshoes we bought hours before you left this world still sitting in the corner of your room, the itinerary for our trip to Hokkaido still sitting in your backpack, your ridiculously large water bottle, still filled with the water you were drinking that fateful day. Even the bedsheets haven’t been changed, and your pillow still smells of you. On days we miss you more, hugging that pillow and breathing deeply into it somehow gives us peace. Perhaps I should vacuum pack it to hold your scent forever….

Every time I open your room door, I say a quick prayer that this was all a nightmare. But it is never answered. We’ve tried keeping your room door opened, but we look for you sitting at your computer desk. We’ve tried keeping your room door closed, but we are then listening for when you will open the door. I’ve tried keeping my room door opened, but I am looking directly at your room door, waiting for it to open. I’ve tried keeping my room door closed, and then I am waiting for you to come through to use my bathroom. Remember the multiple times I said to you, “You know you have a bathroom attached to your room right?”. And your answer would always be, “But I like your bathroom”. I’m so happy now that you used my bathroom most of the time. On many of these times, I would catch you on your way out of my room for a quick hug, kiss and a cuddle.

There are a few new additions to your room. Some gifts from Sha and your friends. And most recently, a little hedgehog and snow owl. The little hedgehog for when you were constantly begging me to get one and I had to prove to you that they were illegal to keep at home in Singapore. The snow owl, for what you symbolized for Sha. They look quite cozy sitting on your bed. What shall we name them Josh?

It still feels like you are still at home. You are everywhere our eyes linger.

Stay close to us my darling.

Mum