I Swear You Will Be Fine

Day 100… Before this happened, whenever I thought of 100 days, I would think of things like 100 days of dating, 100 days of marriage, or the first 100 days of a child’s life. I have known of you since February of last year, been your friend since March, your girlfriend since August… I have had several 100 days with you. But I never imagined that the next 100 days we’d count would be 100 days since I’ve been without your physical presence.

I used to think it was bad to have a normal life. I always wanted something extraordinary – wanted to make something of myself, to accomplish great things. But more than anything, I wanted an extraordinarily beautiful family. It had been a dream of mine to be a mum since I was eighteen (of course, not to have a child at eighteen). It might sound silly, but I’ve always adored children. Out of all the things in the world I could dream of, being a mum was the one I wanted most. Apart from that, I wanted an extraordinary family – a nice relationship where we would still be in love years later, make loads of money together, raise smart, kind and talented kids… and a huge part of me believes that we could have achieved that.

A few weeks after being with you, I thought: this life feels too perfect, because you are perfect for me. Life couldn’t be that kind, right? So, I was willing to give up the idea of children. I thought Life might throw us a curveball and leave us unable to have kids. We would have been devastated, considering how we’d already named and decided the order of our daughter and son, but I believed it would have been okay as long as Life let me keep you. As long as Life let me keep you, I was willing to give up everything else. And I know you felt the same. I asked you once, what would happen if I couldn’t have kids. And your response was, “I have that fear too. but I will love you regardless, remember that”. Life couldn’t be too perfect, so I imagined us living in a cozy apartment (not fancy), with two cute dogs (no kids), working regular jobs (we didn’t get to open our own practice). And when I thought about that life with you, I remember feeling so excited to live it. I had never been so excited to have a future with someone, even if it was far from what I always wanted. Maybe, that’s because, all along all I wanted was you, and I was so happy to have found it.

Until this happened. Life happened, as it always does. I guess an extraordinary love comes with the risk of an extraordinary tragedy too.

Now all I envy is a normal life. A normal life with no extraordinary tragedies. I told a friend once, that the girl in front of us looks like a normal girl who would marry a normal guy, work a normal job, and have a normal life. This was after you passed. And when I said it, it struck me – how lovely it would be to have a normal life. One that might not be exceptional but would still be content and happy. And oh, how I wish I could be content and happy with you now. How I wish for a normal house, with normal children, and normal jobs. How funny that all of that sounds so extraordinary now.

I guess we just have to try again in our next lives – and hope that next time, Life is less cruel to us. Can’t wait to see you again, love. As always, I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha

*Also, it’s the 10th of April! A year ago today, Josh and I had our first date. Back then, he didn’t even ask for my number after the date. We were still talking on Instagram and our second date would only happen in June.

Happy “First Date” Anniversary, Josh. Wish you were here.