I Swear You Will Be Fine

Borderline personality disorder or BPD.

For this blog to be true to Josh and to us and to anyone else it may help, it must also visit some difficult topics.

Though I had very briefly studied it before, it was brought to my attention in 2015 by a friend for a different reason. At around the same time, Josh, nearly 11, started having difficulties. His class teacher said he was stubborn and adamant about our home situation, and the arguments were circular- what she thought was typical of depression. Over the next months, there were visits to psychologists and eventually a psychiatrist. He would see Josh regularly over the next 10 years, and saved his life on multiple occasions.

Though initially treated for depression, Josh started showing signs of BPD very early on. I never mentioned anything to his psychiatrist. But it came as no surprise when he finally revealed his thoughts to me.

BPD is a cruel mental health disorder. Some may argue it is the worst to have, with potentially, having the highest attempted and completed suicide rates. Marsha Linehan, a BPD specialist describes, “People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” This was Josh. This was what he suffered with. Not only did he have this, he had it at a young age, and it was intensely severe. He also had insight, which perhaps, was not totally in his favour.

He was also highly intelligent, and so managed to hide this to many. Friends and family generally saw the smiling child and then young man, who was charming and polite to all. It was his close friends and we, his immediate family who saw the struggles, many extremely painful.

36 hours after Josh died, I had to call his psychiatrist to deliver the bad news. Incidentally, we had an appointment that morning. In our very upsetting conversation, I thanked him for 10 years of  “borrowed time”, much of what we got because of all the good care Josh received, and most of all, from his willpower to try to overcome this disease.

Josh darling, I know the main reason you stayed all these years was for me. And for that, I am so grateful. I will never be angry with you for leaving. We now have to live with the sadness of not having you for the rest of our lives. We got to see you grow up into a handsome, young man. There is no BPD in heaven. There is no depression in heaven. I am glad you are not suffering anymore.

Love you my darling,

Mum