I Swear You Will Be Fine

This is going to sound quite nerdy and possibly boring, but the Equity Theory in romantic relationships suggests that satisfaction in the relationship comes from perceiving a balance between what both partners put into and get out of the relationship. Basically, in theory, both partners should put in 100% and get 100% out; what we give and receive should be equal. I remember learning about this in school with you and having one of our usual discussions after class whenever one of us has a thought about something mentioned. So, we discussed if relationships are really 50-50, and came to the conclusion that although we agree on equal contributions and benefits, some days, one of us might give 40 and receive 60. And somedays it might be 10-90, or 80-20, or 30-70. And we concluded that that was fine, as long as it amounted to a total of 100. We also agreed that we should both be wholes – you are 100% on your own, I am 100% on my own, and together we are 200% – we are good on our own, but we’re better together.

We applied this theory in our daily lives too (though not without some bickering to contribute more to each other). When we went on dates, you’d always insist on paying despite our equity theory. So, I suggested taking turns to pay. If you paid for our movie, I’d pay for the claw machines we unsuccessfully attempt. If you paid for “bubble” tea (you’d get plain green tea without sugar), I’d pay for the cute blind boxes we impulsively decide to buy. Through our little turn-taking game, we’d be roughly splitting the costs of our dates whilst remaining “date-like” and upholding our little equity theory. Even at home we’d try to stick to it. If you prepare my food, I prepare yours. Or, if I’m getting the food ready, you’d feed the dogs, or set up the TV, or put the dishes away after. Whatever we were doing, we did our best to make it equal. This theory encouraged us to do small things for one another – gestures that made each other’s lives easier and showed love in everyday ways.

This theory is also why when I once said “I love you more” in response to your “I love you”, you said, “no, we love each other equally”. There is no more or less between us. After that one instance where you corrected me, we started saying “I love you equally” to each other. It might sound silly, because we know that love isn’t actually quantifiable, or as equal as splitting costs or household duties. But it is our thing, and we enjoy it anyway.

So, that brings me to my point. Why do I end my letters with “I love you more, always, and forever”? Well, the first reason is, now I have more time on Earth to love you longer than you had to love me – even if you are still loving us from Heaven. The second reason is, I can’t hear you tell me otherwise so I’ll say and write what I want to (I can see you shake your head and smile sweetly in resignation). The “always and forever” part is added too because in many of our conversations, we talk about loving each other always or forever. Even the last note you put on my phone (we had a widget that allowed us to write notes that could be sent to each other’s phones) had a picture of us with the word “forever”. So, this is why I end with “I love you more, always, and forever” – because I do, and I will.

Can’t wait to see you again and hear you tell me about how we love each other equally. I love you more, always, and forever (not changing it, Josh!).

Love always,
Sha