I Swear You Will Be Fine

Last year, today, we were preparing for Ammamma’s special birthday. We had gone to Thomson to buy a whole lot of flowers. You were helping Jess to arrange the white pom poms with the red roses. Most would consider this a small matter, but it was a big effort for you. We had bought so many flowers, you both had to do multiple arrangements. I was so happy and surprised that you were helping Jess with this.

And then late at night, I was almost having a meltdown with the cakes. The icing was melting away. The pink buttercream I was trying to decorate on top of the chocolate cream base was mixing and coming out as a revolting colour. You were in your room, but could hear my distress. You came out and jointly decided with Jess that I should redo the whole cake.

So at 10pm that night, you and Jess went to the 24 hour Cold Storage to get more butter to make a new batch of buttercream. Incidentally, when you came home, you casually said to me, “I think Sha was at Cold Storage”. And I said, “Oh really?”, already aware there was some romantic interest, at least on your part. I asked if you spoke to her, and you said you didn’t acknowledge her. Jess and I looked at each other thinking there was no hope for you on the romantic front. Who would have thought this would then blossom into such a beautiful relationship.

I was thinking back to all our birthdays in 2024. I missed celebrating mine with you because I was en route back from London. Jess missed celebrating hers with you as she was in London. There was a brief period at the start of Ammamma’s special birthday that your mood was low. Somehow after Ammamma asked you if you were tired, you forced yourself to “pick up” and managed to show a smile. Patta’s birthday, despite not being a special birthday, was made extra special by you with your reading of your card to him. You were also briefly not in a good mood on your birthday, but eventually picked yourself up again to take some lovely pictures. And lastly for Tun’s birthday in December, you were not going to join us for dinner, but decided to at the very last minute. It somehow feels like you or God or the universe were preparing us for all our future birthdays.

Alliance of Hope and The Compassionate Friends frequently post that birthdays, anniversaries and important holidays are some of the hardest days. I didn’t understand it at first, thinking every day is a hard day. But I understand now that these days are now even harder. Will we ever be able to celebrate a special day again? I know it will pain you incredibly to see us hurting like this. No matter how much you were suffering, you would somehow pick yourself up during any of our birthdays. So, at least for you, we are trying to live on, and survive these special days.

Tomorrow, we will go to Thomson again. But it is to buy you flowers. It pains me every time we do this. Like how is this even possible. The disbelief shatters me several times a day. But I then try to brush it away and focus on the ritual that gives us some level of comfort and peace and helps us feel like you are living on.

Stay close to all of us my darling, especially on these special days.

Love Mum

PS: The final season of “You” came out yesterday. You would have watched it. We are watching it for you. And hoping you are sitting right beside us and watching it with us.