I Swear You Will Be Fine

(how to keep the memories of loved ones alive)

For those closest, this may sound like a fool’s errand. Why would we need to try and keep our loved one’s memories alive when we see, feel, and think of them at every turn?

However, the human mind is both wonderful and fragile. Long term memories can fade over time, in fact, over 80% start fading after the first year of their formation. These memories don’t simply disappear, but their vividness and details start to decay. Memories aren’t fixed either, they are reconstructed every time we try to recall them, mixing past details and current states which can contribute to the alteration of our memories. One good thing is that emotional significance play a big role in improving memory recollection and retention, and rehearsing (remembering) events and details do too.

Memories can disappear quite rapidly if short-term, but long-term memories fade gradually and unevenly, influenced by biological, emotional, and cognitive factors. So what can we do to preserve our loved ones’ memories?

Over the past 100+ days, I’ve been fortunate enough to be part of different ways we remember josh. One of the things I’ve come to realise is an almost subtle sense of guilt and self-consciousness – is it too much to bring josh up in our conversations? Is it weird to talk to him out loud? Is it okay to try and find traces of him in our daily lives? I want to both confess and acknowledge – these are totally fine. We still make jokes in our shared chat and myself or sha would reply in his voice, remembering what he had joked about and hearing his voice in our minds. Sometimes it’s so distinct and that makes us miss you even more. Sometimes, I feel conflicted. I feel sad and happy at the same time – things that made us laugh out loud before is a reminder of what we’ve lost. Also, do I encourage this or should I try to support those hurting to start on their healing process? I honestly don’t have the right answer, and feel like there is no need to have one too.

So here we share various ways we can create tangible reminders of our loved ones. Here are some examples that I’ve seen your friends and family do, to remember you well and often, so that we can continue being part of your life, and being thankful that you are part of ours.

Note: C – josh’s mummy, J – jess, S – shalini and L – me

Sharing stories and photos/photo wall

C: Framed pictures all over the house, many enlarged. The ritual of flowers, a lighted candle and flowers in 4 homes.

J: I love it when my friends bring you up. It makes me cry but I love hearing about you from them. I’m lucky that a lot of my friends have been mates for more than a decade, so they know you well too. They have their own perceptions and stories of you that I get to hear. It helps when I think about all the people in London who never got to meet you. 

My bedroom in London is covered with pictures of you. You changed so much physically that I was actually upset after you passed, cuz we didn’t have a picture of both of us that I liked. Then the photo studio said we could have all the photos from that session, and now I have 100. How many people get to have such lovely pictures of their loved one from the week before they lost them?

S: Since I came back from holiday in Japan, I have been actively printing pictures of you and I. Your photos are everywhere, all around me, like you were and are. You are all over my photo wall with my friends – I have even considered removing my friends and family and just pasting pictures of us and the dogs. You are on my bookshelf – I am never reading another book without looking at your face first. You are on my mirrors – I still ask you if my outfit looks good before I leave the house. You are on my study table with a candle always lit and flower vase always full. Everywhere I turn, you are there. You are in my bag too! I’ve got photos of you in my wallet, on my little makeup pouch, on my cardholder, and on the back of my phone. You would have loved that I’ve got your pictures everywhere. Keeping your pictures everywhere I go helps me keep you around. Whenever I speak aloud to you, I turn and it feels like you’re standing right there.

L: The last time I was at your place your ammamma and aunty julie were busy trying to update the photo wall with new pictures of you and your family. I remember seeing photos of you, jess and auntie around the house, and you as how I remember you. We had so little photos together as friends but im thankful shalini squeezed a whole bunch of them out of you, and our WA voice notes will always be the best part of our chats.

Memory boxes & scrap books

C: Planning to get a special box to keep his important things, like his watch, chain, pendants. We all wear a similar pendant to what he wears, with different engravings.

J: I’ve got all his birthday/graduation cards stored safely in file. He was good at presents so I’m not trying to contain everything he gave me into a box. I want to use it everyday so it feels like some part of him is always part of my daily life.

S: When we first started dating, I opened a cute notebook and told you that it’s going to be our scrapbook, that I’d start a new tradition and we’d be able to show it to our kids in the future. In that scrapbook, I collected and pasted every receipt, every photobooth picture we took, petals from every bouquet you gifted me. I’ve got stickers, wrapping paper, ribbons, heart-shaped leaves we saw on our walks, postcards, tickets, little artworks we drew for each other, even 3D glasses in that scrapbook. When you passed, I opened our half-finished scrapbook and in it I found fragments of our half-written story – unfinished pages filled with time we never got to share. I thought I would never add to the scrapbook again… until I realized that our story isn’t over. Now, I still paste flower petals – the ones I buy you to fill your vase in my room. I paste stickers your family friends give me, ribbons and wrapping paper and cut-outs of boxes from gifts your family surprises me with. I paste heart-shaped leaves I find on my walk from your place to mine – maybe now you’re sending them to me. Through our scrapbook, I continue our story, a love that got shortchanged, but never stopped. It wasn’t what we intended, but maybe one day I’ll get to show it to you instead.

Remembering and celebrating anniversaries

C: Will be extremely difficult days. Maybe do something he would like- like eat Nandos. And gather together with his closest friends.

J: These feels near impossible. On really bad days thinking about his birthday and the day he passed away feels horrifying. But I think my mum set the bar with her 50th. So we still try. I’m waiting for his birthday to just be a nice day I remember my brother and not the fact that he’s not here anymore.

S: This is probably one of the hardest things to do because I don’t think I’ll ever fully comprehend why I have to celebrate our birthdays and anniversaries without you. I’ve thought a lot about what I will do though – if I will be able to honor our traditions. I’ve concluded, that I will. Because to remember and keep you around is to celebrate you. So, as per the traditions we agreed on, I will continue to buy you gifts (as I have been doing anyway). I will continue to do silly little girlfriend things like writing you 365 reasons why I love you or making a memory box of our pictures or buying you a t-shirt with my face on it (I remember telling you this and you jokingly said you’d wear it proudly). We may not have the fancy dinners we talked about having, or the future we envisioned, but our love will live on.

L: sha and I talked about what we would do in school if we had classes on your birthday this year. It’s between wearing a tee shirt with your face on it, or T-Rex suits. I vote both tbh. Regardless of tee shirts or not, I don’t think we will spend the day not remembering you. For me it’s gonna be how you hauled bottles to school in your backpack, and us in the back of the hall. That was so much fun, and honestly not something I would’ve even thought of doing back when I was your age cos im stuffy like that. So thank you for giving me a core memory during your last birthday celebs. I love that we had embarrassing videos of you too that day. Also I still am getting you small stuff whenever I go somewhere nice, not sure if that’s ok but yeah, I’ll try to keep it as small as possible so your table or room doesn’t get too packed.

Revisiting favorite activities and recipes

C: This one is difficult for Josh. None of us liked what he ate! But walking the dogs is something we are hopefully starting soon, and doing puzzles, and playing board games like Catan.

J: I will give it to him. Josh was insanely disciplined. But we always had a very if my sibling can do it, I can do it attitude. So now I gym and study, although admittedly far less than Josh did. I wanna start playing piano again some day cuz he did, but it’s still too hard right now. I keep drinking coke zero though – Josh approved cuz it was zero calories.

S: I find that the hardest memories to replay in my mind are the ones where we’re having the most fun. The ones where we’re walking the dogs, playing games on your couch, running errands together… It’s been terribly difficult to do the same things we used to do. I can’t watch the shows we didn’t manage to finish, I can’t play the games we enjoyed so much. Maybe I haven’t got there yet – I’m still at the stage of grief where I want the last thing I’ve done to have been with you. And I think that’s alright. There is no destination or goal with grief. There is no time limit, no deadline, no rush. I will go where I will go when I go there. But I take small steps to continue what we used to do. I take the same route home from school that we take. I run errands at the same malls and shops we patronized. I regularly buy lunch from the same store you accompanied me to. Maybe, just maybe, I am not doing these things alone. Maybe you are with me, in ways I can’t see or hear, but you are here with me, and that’s more than enough.

L: can’t say we had one but you were and always will be one of the rare ones who can talk about ANYTHING with me. I rem how we agreed that aemond was the best bad guy and how we wished cole and limpy guy would just be gone. I can say “limpy guy” and you would add on “pitifully ugly” to make our point – bro, if that’s not friendship, I don’t know what is. I tried my best to get into succession cos you were raving about it so, but honestly im not sure if I’ll ever finish it this lifetime. Like what sha said, how do we do this without you in the midst? I remember saying to you im really not getting into it about 2 episodes in and you would go “noooooo, keep going, I promise you it gets better.” I hope it does for the days without you too. also p.s. i told your mom your protein ice cream is a green light and she said she will hold me to it so i guess im getting protein ice cream at some point.

Remembering and keeping your loved one’s memories alive is one of the hardest things to do, but also the most important. Not for accuracy of details or obligations of blood and water, but only for those moments our hearts are lifted with memories of your laughter and love for those around you.