I Swear You Will Be Fine

Impulsivity is a prominent trait of Borderline Personality Disorder. 

It manifests as rapid, unplanned actions. Sometimes with the need for instant gratification. It is often linked to some level of emotional dysregulation, with intense feelings (sadness, anger) potentially triggering certain impulsive actions as coping mechanisms. There is also a tendency to disregard longer term rewards. 

You faced these difficulties severely and at a very young age. They were especially worse in the earlier years of the disorder. It was like there was always a need to find quick ways to feel happy….or was it to just stay alive? Celebrity signed autographs are many in our house. So are various vinyl covers and CDs and WWE belts with numerous and various signatures. Pokemon cards are literally in the thousands. It went on for years, with some weeks, and actually some days, really intense. When I look through my Whatsapp messages with you, many revolve around buying various things. And negotiating with me. “If I study today, can I buy this”. Or “If I go to school today, can I buy that”. Or “Can you split the cost of this with Dad, or Ammamma or Patta”. Some days, the gratification would last only as far as the delivery of the package. Sometimes only as far as placing the order. You would also often feel bad after the purchase. There are many messages to me with “Are we going to be broke?”.

However, despite your difficulties with this and the severity of it, you never once went against me and never once bought something without my permission. Not once. And that is truly amazing. I have read so many stories of children rampantly using their parent’s credit cards. But you never did this. It’s so clear that despite your illness, your respect, love, integrity and overall value system still mattered so much.

2 years ago, the impulsivities seemed to almost suddenly stop. It was almost a complete 180 degree turn. You were so careful with spending, often finding cheaper alternatives. The expensive hoodies and jackets were substituted with the cheapest of cheapest clothes from Shein and Shopee or the likes. Your friends still talk about this. You would check with me repeatedly if something needed to be purchased, often looking for various cheaper alternatives.

The day before you left this world, we went to Cotton On where you saw a Beastie Boys round-neck t-shirt that you liked. But you saw the price of $29.90 and refused to let me get it for you saying you can get it on Shopee for $5. Weeks later, I went back to Cotton On with Jess and bought that t-shirt for both Jess and Sha. They love it.

I often wonder if the suppression of these impulsivities caused the masked deterioration, something we couldn’t or didn’t see. If the spending had continued, would you still be around?

And then of course, we strongly believe it was the intensity and the suddenness of some impulse that eventually took you away. You must have fought it for so long. I wish I knew how strong the urges were.

Where you are right now, I know there are none of these urges and none of these impulsivities. You are happy with everything heaven has to offer.

Love you my darling,

Mum