I Swear You Will Be Fine

We hadn’t started dating yet the first time you wanted to hold my hand. We were talking and getting to know each other, hanging around the same group of friends, and talking daily on Instagram (you didn’t even ask for my number then!). Being the polite and considerate person that you are, you texted me first to ask me if you could hold my hand on the train ride home. Prior to asking me, you had told me several times that you were terrible at balancing on the train. You told me stories of you falling and bumping into others on public transport, and needing to always hold on to the handles. So, when you decided to initiate holding my hand, you started the conversation asking if I was taking the train on Monday, and when I said yes, you continued with “I nearly tripped while going down the escalator. May have to hold your hand if I lose my balance.” I remember finding this super cute and unexpected. First of all, I didn’t think you’d even ask, and definitely not in this pick-up line manner. I found it really funny and cute, and I responded with, “Did you rehearse that a few times in your head” – to which we both laughed. The conversation steered and we didn’t revisit this topic. And when Monday came, I was quite nervous – it would be the first time we’d have any physical contact… and you didn’t do it. Did not even mention it that day, or any other day. The first time we actually held hands was a while after we started dating. When one of us finally took the other’s hand, it felt natural. We didn’t do it because it was the natural progression of a couple, but because we wanted to. And I’m so glad that that was our actual first time holding hands (though I still find the first story funny).

Shortly after, there came another special first. The first time we said “I love you” we had spent the day at your place again. We’d studied, played games, talked a bunch, walked the dogs, had both lunch and dinner, and you said it. I will give you credit for this – you are the first one to say, “I love you”. But we both knew it was coming. We were obviously feeling it, and we kept saying “I like spending time with you” or “I like you very much”, so we were already expecting it, and I know you wanted to say it first, so I let you. After you said it, it felt like releasing a tidal wave of emotions. We didn’t have to hold back on our words or feelings anymore. A few months later, we were talking about our firsts together and this came up. And we laughed about how cute it was when we first said “I love you” and how we say it so much daily. Then I told you. I told you how actually, I was the first to “say” it. One night, way before the actual first time we said it, we were up really late on videocall. Again, we were doing nothing in particular – playing trivia, doing silly Buzzfeed quizzes (finding out which Harry Potter character we were, which Disney Princess we would be, et cetera), trying tongue twisters, and… rapping nursery rhymes (we had to muffle our laughter for this one. No idea how we got there, but it was so funny I remember laughing till my abdomen ached. We would continue this little “rap” game of ours – that’s a story for another time). At the end of the call, just as we were about to say our goodbyes, I “said” it… in sign language. You didn’t think anything of it and didn’t understand it. You just thought I was playing around with hand gestures (plus it was so late at night you thought I was a little wonky from the lack of sleep). It was only months after, when I told you, that you understood and the smile on your face after I said it was golden. If only I had taken a picture of your expression. Back then, there was also a website called “unsent messages” where you could post unsent messages to people anonymously. And the day I told you about the signed “I love you”, I told you I had posted an unsent message that said, “to Joshua, we haven’t said it yet, but I think you know I love you.” And I showed you the screenshot I took of the message on that website. Again, I wish I had taken a picture of your face or had the right words to describe your expression. You looked up, eyes filled with what I can only assume is happiness and contentment.

I wish we had more firsts – first graduation together, first house, first child, first car… I wish we shared all these milestones side by side, with the same laughter and light that colored our earliest memories.

But more than anything, I’m grateful for the ones we had and the stories I have. They remind me of who we are and the love we share. Now, I replay these moments in my mind like treasured films and dream of the day we will create new firsts together again.

Can’t wait for that day we meet again. Until then, I will be here, loving you more with every minute that we are apart. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha