I Swear You Will Be Fine

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross developed a model of grief, known as the “Five Stages of Grief”, depicting the emotional journey individuals experience when dealing with loss. The five stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Kubler-Ross explicitly stated that these stages are not linear – they are complex processes that vary greatly among individuals. People go through these five stages in any order, simultaneously, or not at all. It is also theorized, by Kubler-Ross, that people facing the end of life also go through the same five stages – the “Five Stages of Dying”. I thought this was quite poetic – losing a loved one is almost equivalent (or, equivalent) to dying. Before what happened to you happened, whenever I read about and studied these five stages, none of it really resonated with me. Now I fully understand each stage of grief, and how suffocating it feels to be in each one. I feel like I am constantly bouncing between these stages, never getting to the point of acceptance.

Denial hit me the hardest in the first few days. I was still trapped in Japan, with a lack of sleep and appetite, and constantly texting and talking to you in my head (though honestly, I still do it now). It felt so unreal that this could have happened. After everything that we have been through in life, we thought that meeting and having each other was life telling us that everything we had been through was worth it – we can finally rest, and breathe, and live happily… then this happens. I felt like life was playing a cruel joke on us – as if the devils had made me their jester, laughing at my misery. I spent every single waking moment thinking this has to be a simulation, a nightmare that I will eventually wake up from. But, I didn’t. Denial is a large part of my grief, and still greets me on some mornings, even 121 days later.

Anger is something I rarely felt despite the cards I’ve been dealt with in life. But oh, how I was angry when this happened to you. I was livid. I was angry at life, at the universe, at God. Anger erupted like a volcano and every rational part of me was scorched. I found myself screaming at the universe in my head – “How could you do this to me?” “Why me?” “Was I a criminal in my past life? What did I do to deserve this?” I was mad at everyone who had time with their partners, with their sons, their siblings, their friends. I couldn’t understand why we were robbed but so many people around me could carry on without feeling the sinking weight of grief. I was even angrier knowing that terrible people like murderers and rapists walk this Earth freely but the kindest person I know can’t. When Anger simmered down, Envy came through the door and sat with me for a while before Anger took her place again. This cycle never really ended, and now Anger occasionally visits me with her friend, Envy.

Bargaining brought out the irrational side of me too. For the few weeks that Bargaining took hold of my days, I started talking to God every night. I begged for a miracle, for an exchange – take anyone in my life, but please give me Joshua back. I tried to trade with the universe – take them all, just bring Joshua back. These nights were awful. I know I made no sense, but I just kept doing it in case it might work. Just in case you could come back and we’d pretend nothing happened and that it was all just an awful dream. But obviously, nothing worked. The universe doesn’t do favors, and it seems I’d ran out of luck too. Bargaining also welcomed all the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ – those weren’t kind either. Bargaining made space for Guilt, and they too visit me, hand in hand, on nights where we’d otherwise be sound asleep over the phone.

Depression remains one of the longest stages I’ve experienced. Depression comes and lingers, and it has never left. For me, it is the biggest part of grief. There is no cure for Depression, just distractions which bring temporary relief. When I’m in the depression stage, nothing consoles me. Tears flow and memories become painful to recall. Food tastes like rubber and sleep never arrives. Depression makes me isolate myself more than I already have, leaving me alone with the absence of you. Depression is accompanied by Longing, Emptiness, and Awareness… an awareness of a loss that will never be regained. Depression envelops me and there’s no way out.

Then we have Acceptance. Acceptance sounds like finding peace and acknowledging that what happened has happened, and that nothing can fix or change the circumstances. Acceptance feels like coping mechanisms have started to work, and life has found meaning in remembering and celebrating you. Maybe some part of me doesn’t want to meet Acceptance. Maybe some part of me doesn’t want to accept that we have to live in a world without your physical presence. I don’t think I have met Acceptance yet, and maybe I won’t ever, but I will just keep taking steps, day by day, in hopes that you’ll always be with me every step of the way.

Every stage of grief is all-encompassing. There are bad days, and there are worse days. There are days when all of this feels unreal, and I could swear we were just laughing about something silly in your dining room a minute ago and your mum just walked out of her room and asked us why we are laughing so much but we can’t tell her because it sounds too embarrassing and we also can’t tell her because we are so busy laughing we can’t even catch our breath. I could swear you were just here a second ago and suddenly you’re not. Sometimes, I feel like I might be losing my mind.

But sometimes, I think maybe Acceptance also means accepting that life will be an endless cycle of these five stages until I see you again. And everyone knows I can’t wait. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha