I Swear You Will Be Fine

Yesterday was May Day. Public holidays have somehow always been difficult. Previously because of the difficulties at home. And then sometimes watching the difficulties you were facing all day long. And now because of your absence.

I pack my days with multiple activities and distractions. It is the only way I know how to cope. At least for the period of distraction, I try not to be sad.

I was looking through your Whatsapp chats from a year ago. I am desperately trying to remember what we did last May Day. I don’t think we went out because you were already on your intensely strict diet. There is a message to me saying your fitness instructor was designing a plan. So I presume May Day last year was the start of that. The 2 sessions you would have with him every month, the multiple times I had to measure your waist, calves, shoulder- to- shoulder, photos taken in multiple angles. You would get annoyed when I didn’t take the pictures properly. But later you would be deeply appreciative. I was irritated at the time, but what I would do to be able to do this for you again. Incidentally, we decided the cost of the plan was not worth it and you had achieved your goals in December, and hence we stopped this. I don’t even think your fitness instructor knows you are no longer physically here.

The girls and Sha spent the evening with us. We spent time in your room, reminiscing about how you locked one of them up in your room with Caddy so she would get over her fear of dogs (so mean Josh!). We remembered all the strange Yuu lights you had in your room, and how you loved changing the colour of the lights in your room. And of course, we played Catan, the one board game you usually enjoyed, and one of the ways you were able to bond and spend time with family and cousins. You were always the one who was able to decipher how to arrange the 3D Catan pieces back. You must have been whispering in the ears of Sha and the girls- they finally got it right and I didn’t need to worry about it. How lovely it would have been if you were with us playing. But it is wishful thinking. I also know that because of the illness, this was rarely possible even when you were alive.

Towards the end of the night, we were trying to sort out some wiring with the TV. And a whole lot of triggering thoughts came to my mind as my hands brushed over the PS5 and the Nintendo switch. You were playing games that fateful night. It was meant to be a quiet restful night because you were tired. There were no other signs. I just can’t get my head around what thought came to your mind to push you to do what you did. We will never know this, and this is painful.

Two days after you passed, I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic attack. I thought of all your devices that you could hardly spend a few seconds without. Your PS5, your Nintendo Switch, your Macbook, your desktop, your iPad, and most importantly your phone. I broke out in a sweat thinking how you were going to manage without all of these. And then I had to remind myself- where you are, you are not impatient, you don’t need to distract your mind, you are not stressed, you don’t have obsessive and impulsive thoughts.

I look forward to the day my darling, when we also will not need the distractions to survive. And that will only be when we are with you again.

Love you more,

Mum