I Swear You Will Be Fine

I really like English. Words are one of my favorite things. I love letters, and I love how you piece letters together to make words, and I love how you piece words together to make sentences, and sentences together to make paragraphs, and paragraphs into so much more.

I believe that writing comes from the heart. You can’t feign your writing and the feelings embedded in them, or the words won’t fit together as perfectly. My love for words is probably why I play daily word games on the New York Times app, why I started reading before age three and never stopped, and why I began writing short stories and poems as soon as I figured out how. Before I started university, I could read about 100 books a year. Out of all those books, there was one paragraph in my all-time favorite book that I really love. I loved that excerpt so much that I made a mental note to include it in my wedding vows. I read that book when I was 17, and up till now, I haven’t forgotten that paragraph or to leave a space for it in my future vows.

It saddens me that we won’t get to have a wedding or read our vows to each other (I know yours would have been so sweet, and way better than mine) at least not in this life. But I still want to share this part of my vows with you. Along with the videos and photos I didn’t get to take of us, not sharing this part of my favorite book with you sits in a bottle of regrets, amongst other things I wish I’d done and will never get to do. This is what I wanted to include in my vows to you (I tweaked it a little, so it’s not exactly what was written in the book):

“I know without a doubt that we are going to have so many good moments, more than the ones we already had. But we will also have bad days, and sad days, and days that test our resolve. Those are the days I want you to feel the absolute weight of my love for you. I promise that I will love you more during the storms than I will love you during the perfect days. I promise to love you more when you’re hurting than when you’re happy. I promise to love you more when we’re poor than when we’re swimming in riches. I promise to love you more when you’re crying than when you’re laughing. I promise to love you more when you’re sick than when you’re healthy. I promise to love you more on days that you dislike me than days that you like me. And I promise that I love you more as you hear this than I did when I wrote it. I promise that I will always love you more tomorrow, and every day after.”  

I thought of this paragraph multiple times throughout our relationship – during the good moments and the difficult ones. I knew, and I know, that I would love you more on our hardest days than on our easiest. And I know that every day I spend with you, whether together or apart, will never lessen the love we have but instead intensify what we already feel for each other. I guess the time apart we have now is the truest test of our love. And that amazes me too, because some days I talk to you and realize that my love for you is still growing even though we’re doing long distance now (it tickles me to say that “we’re doing long distance”, it makes it sound easier than reality). Some days I wonder if love is made to stretch like this – to reach across time and space, silent and longing – and still feel full.

This post of our unending love is quite fitting, because it’s the 6^th of another month today – which means it’s another one of our “monthsaries”. Happy Monthsary, Josh. Every month with you, even the quiet ones, is a chapter I wouldn’t trade for anything. Our love is my favorite book, written slowly in moments both grand and quiet, with chapters I will always choose to read over and over again. Not a single day goes by that I don’t wish you were here. Until I see you again, I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha