I Swear You Will Be Fine

For almost 10 years, we were worried about you finally succeeding with this and had all sorts of measures in place. Why did we fail this time?

From early October 2024, I knew of a few impulses. The first was when I was overseas about to take a flight. I was trying to get in touch with you, but you were not replying. I was anxious and felt like something was wrong and was worried to get on the plane. Eventually you replied and said you were not doing great. But you were safe then. Over the next few weeks, I heard from you and Dr L that there were some thoughts and plans. But you both brushed it off, that it was a thing of the past, and I brushed it off too. If I had taken this more seriously, would you still be alive?

From late October, during the several times we visited Dr L, you would be fine during the consultation. But within 1-2 days, there would be a deterioration, and you would be contacting Dr L for some changes. This was also something new. If I paid more attention to this, would you still be alive?

I was having to change your meds so frequently, often almost every 2 days. As I was doing this, I remember thinking to myself, “I’ve never had to do this before”. If I thought more about this, would you still be alive?

We were supposed to be in Australia last Christmas. If we had made that trip, would you still be alive?

Sha was overseas with her family on holiday. If she was here, would you still be alive?

The trip to Hokkaido was booked for the 3^rd of January. If I had booked it earlier, would you still be alive?

As you were deteriorating, I sent an email to Dr L (he was overseas), asking to increase your meds. By the time he replied, you seemed better. So I did not increase the meds. I constantly have nightmares about this in particular. If I had increased it, would you still be alive?  If Dr L was not overseas, would you have been able to get an urgent appointment and still be alive?

The aircon in your room was leaking, and you didn’t sleep well the night before. If you had slept well the night before, would you still be alive?

I was warned of plans a week earlier. But you improved dramatically during Christmas Eve and Christmas. You were bad again thereafter. But improved once the Hokkaido trip was booked. Even on the day, I was thinking to myself if the trip alone was enough to lift you out of your low mood. I should have realised you were still low and your moods were erratic. Would you then still be alive?

The last time I saw you, you were taking the dogs down for a walk. The way you said “Love you, drive safe”, was a little louder. I thought your mood was much better, and felt relieved. Was it because you knew it would be the last time we would see each other? If I had caught on, would you still be alive?

When I was about to leave for dinner, I looked around for you in the car park. You should have been almost finishing your walk. I didn’t see you, and decided to leave. If I had waited for you, would I have realised you were not great? And would you still be alive?

When I called to ask Jess when to pick you both, you first said you were joining us for dinner for a while, and then changed your mind. What if I had forced you to join us? Would you then still be alive?

I texted you at 7.30pm, but there was no reply. And then I called you. You said you were playing games. Later, you had told Sha you were almost impulsive. Did I interrupt you? If I had called you again later, would I have interrupted you again? And would you still be alive?

And most importantly, if I had not booked the Hokkaido trip, would I have been as confident about your well-being? And would I have stayed home with you? And then, would you still be alive? I think you would be. Or at least, the 31^st of December 2024 would not have been the day you departed this earth.

Everything somehow, unfortunately aligned for you to finally complete this. The regrets, guilt, what ifs, and whys will haunt me for the rest of my life. The ONLY thing that keeps me going, is knowing you are no longer suffering, and you are at peace. Perfect peace. And yes my darling, we are happy for you.

Love, Mum