I Swear You Will Be Fine

Today is Patta’s 80^th birthday. 

It would have been a day you would have somehow put on a smile and made the day as special as possible, no matter how difficult it may have been for you. Patta has always been your idol and as close to being a father figure as possible in recent years. He is also the person you respected and admired the most. It was a day we often discussed in the last months of 2024. We talked of doing a cruise, something Patta always wanted to do. And you were researching the Disney cruise, maybe more because I wanted that! “Seriously Mum?” you had asked me when I asked about the Disney Cruise. We talked of the whole family watching Phantom of the Opera together (you had asked if Sha could come along too). We had also discussed taking Patta to his hometown in Jaffna. This one you very clearly said you wouldn’t be able to join. 

The last time you prayed for the family at Christmas Eve dinner, you prayed for a great year ahead, especially with 2025 being a special year with several milestone birthdays. Who knew the year was going to start with what happened.

I remember Patta’s 79th birthday with much clarity. You were starting to worry about him, with his increasing frailty and memory problems. And his deterioration was upsetting you, so much so that you were starting to limit the time you spent with him. You had talked about it with M, your therapist. And he suggested that you say to Patta whatever you wanted to say- before it was too late. We had a long conversation about this too. In your usual way, you wrote a very long birthday message on his birthday card. But this time, instead of letting him read the message, you decided to read it out to him. I knew it was going to be an important moment, and recorded it. When you finished reading it, there was not a dry eye in the room. Who thought it would be you who would not be here for his next birthday.

So today, there is no cruise. There is no trip to Jaffna. There is no Phantom of the Opera. (I’ve thought many times to take Sha to Phantom but it is still too painful). 

Even though you are not physically here, I still believe you are all around us, and especially today. The last gift of the reading of your card for Patta’s last birthday, was, is and will always be his most precious gift. Nothing any of us do will match up to it. It would hurt you terribly knowing we are not celebrating Patta’s 80 years. So as painful as it is without you, we will try to give Patta a good day, and more because that is what you would have wanted. And as always, we will take comfort that you are with us, and smiling without pain, and being the guardian angel you are to all of us.

Love you my darling,

Mum