I Swear You Will Be Fine

Supermarkets are strangely a huge trigger for me. 

I always used to look forward to my Sunday morning ritual at NTUC while you were asleep. It was usually the one morning I didn’t need to work. Now there is little reason and motivation to do this. 

When I pass the bread section, I get that nauseous feeling when I see the Low Carb Mission wraps. I would almost empty the shelf for the numerous wraps you would eat. The other day, my heart sank when I grabbed a box of cherry tomatoes,  something you would have in your salad every day, and something we would buy in large quantities, and something you were very fond of. And of course, Pauls low fat cheese slices and chicken breast by the kilos for your high protein wraps. Low fat, skim milk and Van Houten Cocoa Powder for your protein ice creams. Old Town Black Coffee and so much more. And this would usually last just 2-3 days. Ammamma would have to do multiple trips during the week to keep up with your dietary necessities.

I also miss the several times you would come with me, especially to Cold Storage, where you would look for all the healthy alternatives. The zero sugar chocolate chip cookies to blend into your ice cream. The healthy popcorn, especially the fiery hot flavour. They were some of the few times I could get you to go out with me. And now so very precious.

Just a few weeks before you died, you suddenly started incorporating fruit in your diet. It was the last time Jess, you and I would go to Cold Storage together. We bought strawberries, kiwis, grapes and watermelons. I was secretly very happy that you were relaxing a little with your diet.

And of course, there was the never-ending supply of online orders. Protein powders, sugar free biscuits, zero-calorie jelly. There was hardly a day we didn’t get a delivery of your goodies.  

My grocery shopping has now been diminished to frozen foods and snacks. I know you disapprove darling!

On the night you died, there were plates and containers on the kitchen top. The light green plate with crumbs left from your high protein chicken wraps, made from the Mission Low Carb wraps, chicken breast and Pauls low fat cheese. There were 2 pyrex containers with remnants of the chocolate protein brownies you had for dessert. Even the digital weighing scale was left out on the counter top with the light green bowls. You had weighed out the “allowed calories” of the healthy spicy popcorn. And empty zero calorie jelly containers, another one of your “sweet” but “not sweet” treats.  I often say you were harsher to yourself than someone on death row, who would have had their “favourite last meal” before dying. Another reminder of how impulsive your last action was.

A couple of days after you died, a delivery of some sugar free biscuits came. They still sit stored in the kitchen cupboard. The zero calorie grape flavoured jelly cups are still neatly arranged in the fridge, recently past their expiry date. Multiple flavours of protein powders are stacked in the store. But we can’t bring ourselves to throw them out.

Sha and I were talking the other day if you are still strictly adhering to your diet in heaven. We think you are! You won’t be too pleased with our recent diets. But there is only so much pain we can take right now. In time, we will try to live your healthy lifestyle legacy!

Where you are, I am sure you are not worried about gaining weight, and can enjoy anything and everything!

Love you my darling,

Mum