I Swear You Will Be Fine

I was thinking about it this morning as I ran. Running in the early morning has always been my “me” time, but these days, I find myself talking to you during the quiet.

when you left us so suddenly, i kept asking myself if there was more i could’ve done. my mind keeps running different scenarios during different blips – when you walked out from class, when you mentioned about your doctors, when I didn’t hear anything from you in our shared chats for some time. I asked you during one of these runs , “help me understand; how was it like? what were you feeling?” that’s when i came across DPR Ian’s music video – No Blueberry – and i shared it with sha, saying that it sounded like something you’d like. and as i watched the video, i was wondering aloud to you if this was what it felt like in your mind. running away constantly from shadows that you know are part of you and anything and everything could be a trigger. i think you didn’t mean this metaphorically as well, i later found out that the artist Ian battled his own mental health issues with bipolar and DID, and he uses his music and visual art to share more about how his highs and lows are to the world. so i was like, ok maybe it’s just a coincidence or my mind trying to make connections and find answers for my questions to you. then as if to make a point , another video popped up and I can’t even make this up, the dog looked exactly like caddy and Ian’s Lori somehow looked like knight in another interview.

since then, ive put Ian’s music on loop, maybe as a way to try to understand how it was for you in your mind some days.

I ran away to see Ian perform over the weekend. he looked so tired and even from a distance, i cld feel him struggling. even so, he put on a show for those who came to support him. selfishly, i wished that you were the one on stage, and you were still around despite your struggles. but that’s wrong. i returned after the show and was texting our chat about how hard it is for you and others like you, and no matter how hard we try, we will never be able to understand the struggles you have constantly, and how despite all that, you could still turn up for the people who love and adore you.

—

I spread my wings just to take you in
What a life it’s been on the highest wings
When I’m alone, I let my world explode
(Then I’ll sink the remains below)
Then I keep it there until there’s nothing left of me
(Oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh)
(Yeah)

Oh-oh-oh, I gave up long ago
So you could dream it all
But now, I stand alone
Oh-oh-oh, I broke down all my doors
Oh, do you see it now?
Nothing was fixed at all

I never asked to be like this
I never asked to be like this
I never asked to be like this
No

– Skins, DPR Ian