I Swear You Will Be Fine

I know it’s been 144 days, and by now, I shouldn’t still be experiencing disbelief. But some days, I still find myself unable to comprehend what happened. I just don’t understand how one person, made up of at least seven octillion atoms, can just disappear like that. How does someone, made up of more than a trillion thoughts and opinions, simply cease to exist? How does a person who has carried beyond a billion feelings, just end? It doesn’t click in my head. We are all unique configurations of elements, so tell me – how can one person just leave this Earth in the blink of an eye? One minute you were here, and the next, you weren’t. It feels so unreal, so easy, so quick. What do you mean you were impulsive for a second, and now life feels too long and too exhausting? It just doesn’t make much sense that death just occurs.

A lot of the time, I still can’t believe what happened. I know, it’s been 144 days, and they say it takes approximately 21 days to develop a habit. So theoretically, we should have gotten used to this awful life by now, or at least to this sadness. Yet on some days, I still wake up in disbelief. In some moments, I still find myself questioning how you’re not physically here. Why am I imagining your presence in front of me instead of actually seeing you? How did we not make it out of this? Weren’t we meant for greater things than a sad life? I think back to that night every now and then. Did my letters not serve their purpose? You were just a few hours away from opening the next one. I remember gifting them to you along with numerous mini bags of the healthy chips you like, the little blind bags with Bitty Pops, Pokémon Nanoblocks, warm eye masks, a weighted mini pillow… You were so grateful to receive them. I remember you repeatedly texting me to express how grateful you were. So how did they not work? I don’t understand.

I remember walking with you in the mall – your mum and sister walking ahead of us, movie posters plastered on the walls beside us. We were talking about watching Mufasa when I came back. What happened? I really don’t understand. What went wrong? We were happy – I know that. So, what went wrong? Was it my family trip? I tried not to go; I tried to tell them to cut it short. Would it have been different if I had stayed? I think it would have. I would have been with you physically all day and virtually all night. You wouldn’t have had the chance. We would have had a chance.

I was printing more pictures of us to put on the back of my phone when the realization hit me – I will never have new pictures of you. I have yet to see all the pictures and videos your family and friends have taken of you, but I know I will never see a new one. I don’t understand how I won’t take another photo or video of you. We will never have a new set of pictures taken in a photobooth. We will never take another selfie, another silly video. We will have nothing new. For the rest of my life, I will have nothing new of you. I will never receive another gift from you, another heartfelt handwritten letter, another set of balloons, another homemade cake. Sure, you gave me plenty – and for that I am eternally grateful, but we will always have nothing new. It has been 144 days, and I still struggle with the fact that I will have nothing new.

I’ve heard of many relationships that fizzle out once the novelty wears off. That is how I know we’re pretty great… because I will still love you even with nothing new.

Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha