I Swear You Will Be Fine

Josh used to get obsessed with things. Because it was just the two of us, we always knew what the other one currently liked. The earliest obsession I can remember is The Wiggles. Josh’s favourite was Greg – the yellow one. Then Greg got sick and it became Sam. We used to watch a youtube clip where they played the song ‘yellow’ and displayed Greg’s best moments. I think that’s where his favourite colour being yellow came from. When we painted our shared bedroom, we were each allowed to pick one colour. I chose pink, Josh chose yellow. It wasn’t the prettiest room.

I can’t remember if this was before or after, but fish were definitely an obsession as well. He had a book filled with fun fish facts, accompanied by curtains with fish all over and several aquarium visits. I was so excited one year – I bought him two goldfish and was over the moon to give it to him. By noon on his birthday, one fish had killed the other – I was rather distraught. We got him a replacement, but it wasn’t the same. I’m convinced he loved the present though.

Then it was Ben 10. He watched the show constantly, and collected all the toys of the various aliens. I can still name them – Four Arms, etc. Our Grandma used to buy the fake ones from the market, but this was when ‘collector’ Josh was beginning to make an appearance. Josh soon only accepted ‘official’ Ben 10 toys – if not, they weren’t counted. They would all sit lined up on his shelves, proudly displayed.

I’m pretty sure it was Minecraft after this. The video games were now a favourite past time, so we bought Minecraft themed presents. Lego was another one, and Josh was quickly doing massive 18+/21+ ones. There’s still a Batman lego that he will never complete sitting on his desk.

Every obsession was annually recognised by Josh’s birthday party. So of course, he had a Wiggles birthday party, a Ben 10 one, a Minecraft one, etc. As his older sister, I had the honour of hosting the games at every party, so I had to become an expert on every theme. Not to worry, this ended by the time he was 16. But not before we had a Game of Thrones party (featuring an Iron Throne replica).

I’m filled with facts about Josh. I know enough about his likes and dislikes that I could write a book about them. This is an incredibly brief insight into what the kid liked – I still haven’t even touched all the autographs, the celebrity meetings and the concerts we went to.

I talked about Josh a fair amount even before, but now I talk about him constantly. I feel like I push his name into people’s faces – I don’t care, but you will hear about what music my brother liked. How he lost all the weight. How much he irritated me with his singing in the shower. I’m filled with facts about someone who isn’t here anymore.

Over the last 5 months, I’ve not made any new friends. This is partly due to me being more than content with those around me now, partly because I don’t have the willpower to socialise, but also because they won’t know Josh. They won’t get the chance to meet the kid I talk about constantly. I’m lucky that so many of my friends have been in my life for years that they have known and met Josh. But I can’t handle the thought that a family I may one day have will not know him. They won’t know my counterpart throughout childhood. They won’t know the person who would criticise Mum’s movie taste with me, or would help my grandparents with constant Netflix issues.

For now, I’m ok talking to friends about what Josh liked. And didn’t like. But I almost feel like I’m lying when I meet new people and talk about him. Yes, I have a brother. Yes, he was obsessed with Ben 10. No, he doesn’t live in London. Yes, we are close. But he lives very, very far away right now.