I Swear You Will Be Fine

I remember being excited with you last year that Mission Impossible was coming out this year. This was always one of our common topics, and an excitement we shared together frequently. You would send us notifications in our “Just Us” WhatsApp group if there was a trailer out or an announcement of a new movie or series.

I debated about watching the latest MI. I first thought you would have definitely watched it with me. And then I realised, you would have watched it with Sha, and would have probably not wanted me to tag along! The final reality was that I watched it with Sha (+ Aunty K and A).

Throughout the very long movie, I was constantly asking myself if you would have liked this movie. It was bothering me throughout, not knowing the answer, and not being able to ask you if you liked it. The theatre was the same theatre we watched our last movie together- Oppenheimer. Potentially even the same seats. In IMAX. Memories of watching that movie seem distant, and at the same time, feel recent. I also remembered how when you were very little, you would get very upset when I said Tom Cruise was dashing. You would say “You’re married to Dad, you can’t say things like that!”. Well Tom Cruise has definitely aged, but is still dashing! I think you would approve of me saying that now Josh!

When the movie ended, I talked about it with Sha. If you were physically here, we would have done one of 2 things. We would have either watched the premier or you would have read the reviews, and possibly refused to watch it. We then discussed who you would have watched it with. I still maintain you would have watched it with Sha, and not “allowed” me to tag along. But Sha insists she would have made sure I came along. And then we discussed what you would have thought of it. Sha says you would have been highly critical of it, as you always are, and there may have been a running commentary on this. I can hear you say, “Come on, seriously?”. I can also imagine you resorting to looking at your phone at some point in the movie, not wanting to actually leave the theatre, but also not wanting to continue watching the movie.

It was still bothering me. Not having an answer from you. Like I just wanted to know- did you like it? Late that night, I spoke to Jess. And told her of “my problem”. And she clearly said, “I’m telling you Mum. Josh would have hated it”. Ok, so that issue is resolved. For now anyway. Incidentally, Jess watched it last night in Manchester. She said as she came out of the movie, there were 2 boys who reminded her of you. And she heard them saying how much they hated it. Ok Josh, I got it. You didn’t like it.

So looks like that’s the end of Mission Impossible, a movie series you know I have loved for years. Somehow it feels apt for the stage of life I am in. I was thinking last night that you also completed a mission I thought was impossible. Or was it life itself, as a mission, that was impossible for you.

Even though we haven’t watched a movie in the theaters recently, I will always miss your presence at the movies. There are countless movies we watched together. But I can’t remember so much. I wish I did. Because that’s all we have now.

Love you darling.

Mum