I Swear You Will Be Fine

You once asked me what my favorite ‘L’ word is. I can remember the exact scene. We were walking towards your lift, and talking about something completely unrelated to words. We fell silent, and you asked, “What’s your favorite ‘L’ word?”. I wasn’t taken aback at all. Talking about random things and unusual topics is kind of our thing. I thought for a few seconds and said, “‘Ludicrous’. What about you?”. You suddenly stopped in your tracks, grabbed my hand, and jerked me to a halt too. Then you said, “I WAS THINKING OF THAT EXACT WORD! THAT’S MY FAVORITE ‘L’ WORD! WHAT THE …”. Of course, we burst out laughing and started going on and on about what a huge coincidence that was, and what were the odds that we would say or think of the exact same ‘L’ word – not a very common one too. You were so, so excited about this. We talked about this ginormous coincidence for days, and when we went back to school, you very excitedly told Lynn about it. (I remember her reaction and expression too. She was so sweet, trying to react as excitedly as we did. Though I am pretty sure “we have the same favorite ‘L’ word!” was not very exciting for her.) This “favorite ‘L’ word” became a thing for us. If you were ever in a lineup where I couldn’t see or hear you, and I could only ask one question to identify you, this would probably be the question. Only you would know exactly what I’m talking about. You’d probably laugh before you answered, and I’d recognize your laugh anywhere.

Another day, we were just casually talking, and you used the word ‘ointment’ in a sentence. I then told you how I can’t stand words with ‘oi’ in them – how it’s weird, but that ‘oi’ sound just irks me. I started listing all the words with ‘oi’ in them – like ointment, moist, oink, poise – and you (obviously) laughed so hard at this. Since then, you made sure to use as many ‘oi’ words as you could. And for some reason, once you started using them on purpose, I didn’t hate it as much. Even if you could only speak with ‘oi’ words, I’d be happy to listen to you all day.

I’m always thinking about us, you, and our memories. Recently, these scenarios came to mind, and I realized that I don’t despise ‘oi’ words anymore. I mean, they don’t sound particularly pleasant, but I have a new word that I absolutely can’t stand – almost. ‘Almost’ is such an awful word. To me, ‘almost’ has the same meaning as ‘didn’t’. “I almost got an A on my paper” is equivalent to “I didn’t get an A on my paper”. “I almost caught the bus” means “I didn’t catch the bus”. There is no meaning in ‘almost’ – you either get what you want, or you don’t. How close you are to your goal does not matter, because you didn’t reach it. ‘Almost’ represents everything we could have had, but didn’t. It represents being so close to winning a race, but missing first place by a millisecond – we still didn’t win, no matter how close we were.

I was in Japan for 21 days. We had gotten through 12 days and had 9 more before I came back. We had almost made it through.

Since the 6^th of August 2024, we have been celebrating the 6^th of every month as our ‘Monthsary’. We were 6 days away to the next one. We almost made it one more month.

We had Christmas preparations, stockings with our names hanging from your bookshelf. We had almost celebrated our first Christmas together.

We were talking about January 1^st, and planning date nights for when I came back. We almost made it to the new year.

You had booked a gorgeous place for our date on the 17^th of January. 17 days later. We almost made it.

We have had so many ‘almosts’, and we will continue to have them.

We almost graduated together.
We almost completed all our Statistics modules together.
We almost went to our first concert together.
We almost went to dinner parties at Lynn’s place.
We almost went for double dates with Lynn and her husband, T.
We almost celebrated our first anniversary.
We almost got our Masters and PhDs.
We almost had our wedding.
We almost bought a new house.
We almost had two dogs and two kids.
We almost set up our own practice.
We almost…

We almost did all the things we have been wanting to do together since we started dating.

I despise the word ‘almost’. An awful word it is. All the goals we didn’t get to accomplish, all the dreams that were robbed from us, bundled up in a six-letter word.

If I could hear you, you’d tell me how sad that is – that I’ve implanted a negative connotation on a neutral word. You’d say, “Yeah and we almost didn’t date, but thankfully we did.” And you’re right (as always), I am thankful for the ‘almosts’ that have led us here. But for now, ‘almost’ is almost enough.

I can’t wait to see you again. I wonder what your favorite letter is, and if it’s tied to a favorite word. Guess I’ll find out when I see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha