I Swear You Will Be Fine

I was thinking of your first piano exam.

It was at the Kawai music studio. Jess’s exam was just before yours, and you were happily running around the studio while it was her turn. But when it was your turn, you suddenly crept under one of the seats and refused to come out. The overseas British examiner had to come out of the examining studio and very kindly tried to coax you to come out from under the seats. And you finally came out, happily went into the exam and aced it.

Despite taking weekly lessons in piano and exams until Grade 5, you didn’t actually know how to read music. It is beyond me how you actually passed your exams. Months after the problems started after you turned 11, we stopped the lessons. 

But music has always been your thing. And especially playing the piano. Despite the 3 of us knowing how to play the piano, it was you who would be constantly playing both the piano and the keyboard. Over the years, you learnt to play beautifully. And very often you played all my favourite theme songs- Succession, Cat Woman, Phantom, and of course, a lot of your own music.

The piano and keyboard are now untouched. At some point, I hope Jess or I will start playing again. But it will be very hard. And it will be nothing close to how and what you played. I so miss the sounds of you playing the piano.

Minutes before the formalities of your funeral began, we were all able to touch you. I held on to your fingers for as long as I could. They still felt like they had life in them. Smooth and slender. The beautiful fingers that would never touch the piano again. What I would give to touch your those fingers again and to hear you play the piano again.

But again, there are some blessings. Countless videos of you playing the piano, despite often refusing to allow us to record this. Thank you for all these. They provide us with much comfort especially on extra bad days. In several of these videos, we can hear you say “that’s all you get”. I guess you’re saying that to us in so many ways. “That’s all we get”.

On some nights, when we are playing our “games”, I imagine you playing the piano where you are. Usually you’re dressed in a white linen shirt, and you’re playing on a huge, white grand piano. Sometimes you’re on a big stage, and sometimes, the piano and you are in the middle of a huge field, filled with brightly coloured flowers. It is beautiful, YOU are beautiful.

I miss seeing your magical fingers. I miss holding your hands. And I miss hearing you play the piano so much.

Love you my darling,

Mum

Catwoman Theme