I Swear You Will Be Fine

I missed you more today. I miss you every day, but I missed you more today. I missed you more when I woke up and didn’t receive your bubbly good morning text.

I missed you more when I had a thought and turned to share it with the illusion of you I’ve mastered imagining instead of reaching for my phone to text it to you.

I missed you more when I sat at the edge of my bed and wept, overwhelmed by the weight of the world – some of which I took on willingly, just to distract myself from your absence.

I missed you more when I called my groupmates for a school project and found that they hadn’t completed the tasks I assigned them.

I missed you more when I was delegating tasks in a group instead of discussing the project with you.

I missed you more when I had to brainstorm the assignment on my own. At first I worried that we were becoming reliant on each other when it came to schoolwork, then I realized we were merely supporting each other. I looked forward to our brainstorming sessions. I can see the look on your face when I ask, “Shall we brainstorm together!” I can hear you say, “Sure!” or “Of course we can!”

I missed you more when I was disappointed by incompetence – a quality we both detested and had little tolerance for. You always held the opinion that most weren’t stupid, they were just either lazy or not doing something right. (As awful and pompous as this sounds, sometimes we did agree that some people might have lacked a few important cells here and there.)

I missed you more when my extended relatives came over and I realized that I’d be talking to you in my empty room after they had left.

I missed you more when I saw something you would have liked on Instagram, a challenge we would have attempted (and failed) together, a gift I would have given you… One of my favorite challenges we attempted was the fireman’s carry. We saw a video online of a woman who managed to carry her husband, who was twice her size, out of the house after he passed out in a fire. Naturally, we decided to try it. One of my regrets is not filming it, because we laughed so hard that our laughter turned silent and our abs hurt afterward. Here’s what happened: You pretended to pass out on the bed (trying to hold back your laughter at the ridiculousness of it all). I laid down beside you and, between bursts of laughter, tried to lift your leg over mine, flip you onto my back, stand up, and carry you out. Surprise, surprise… the challenge ended within a minute because I couldn’t even lift your leg. Halfway through, I asked you if you were resisting my pull and not letting me lift your leg, and you said something along the lines of, “No, I’m not! I’m doing the opposite I’m trying to subtly lift my leg to help you!” You concluded, “If we were ever in a fire, and I pass out, we’re both gone. There’s no way you’re gonna carry me out.” And I conceded, “If we were ever in a fire and you pass out, I’ll just lie down next to you and inhale faster. How dare you get there before I do.” Laughter followed this conversation for the next few minutes. We were talking about this challenge for the rest of the day. We attempted many, many challenges – all of which we successfully failed. All of which ended in fits of laughter – I can still hear it now. I missed you more thinking about moments like that. How dare you get there before I do.

I missed you more when I realized I can never do anything the same again.

I missed you more when I was brushing my teeth, and recalled the video you sent me of yourself brushing yours, with a mouth full of toothpaste asking me “Do you brush the top of your teeth first or the bottom of your teeth first? Let me know!” Then laughing because of how silly that question is.

I missed you more when I walked to your place, passed the path with the buzzing bees and recalled when you would tease me for being scared of them. Now I am no longer afraid. I wonder if you sent them to me.

I missed you more when I looked up at the moon and saw the shadow of the rabbit. The one your mum pointed out, but you insisted isn’t there. We were walking home one day and you pointed to the moon and said, “Do you see a rabbit on the moon?” At first I didn’t, then I did. I got really excited because I’d never noticed it before. And you sighed and said, “That means my mum is right…” It was only a while after that you finally admitted that you did see it. Maybe now you’re getting a closer look.

I missed you more when I felt this strong desire to see you – this need to see you, to hug you and feel comforted again. Then I realized I wouldn’t be able to… not for a long while. I’ll have to imagine your comforting hugs and words. I’ll have to continue imagining everything you would have done if I could see you.

I missed you more in the silence, in the noise, the conversations, the laughter. I missed you quietly, in my room where no one could hear me. I missed you loudly, sitting in a crowded room staring at a spot on the wall.

I missed you more today knowing that five months ago we had our last conversation. The last time I heard your voice. The last time I received a message from you. The last time I was happy.

I could go on and on. I missed you at every point of my day. I missed you yesterday, for everything I had to do alone when I could have otherwise done it with you. I missed you more today, for everything I had to do alone when I could have otherwise done it with you. And I’ll miss you more tomorrow, for everything I have to do alone when I could have otherwise done it with you.

I’ll keep missing you more every day, for the rest of my days. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha