I Swear You Will Be Fine

Where are you? This is something I constantly ask throughout the day. Are you in heaven? Are you around us? Are you within us?

Hours before you left us, everything was routine. You went to the gym, you took the dogs down for a walk, you had your evening shower, you had dinner and your protein brownies. You were playing games and most of all, you were texting and joking with Sha. Everything was so normal. You always said I had nothing to worry about if you were still routinely going to the gym. Then why? We always thought as long as Cadbury and Knight were with you, nothing would happen. Then how? Your friends always believed you would reach out to them, like you so often did, but you didn’t. Why didn’t you? We always thought as long as you had something to look forward to, nothing would happen. The trip to Hokkaido was less than 72 hours away. We always thought if you were in the middle of a project, nothing would happen. You had just started the Harry Potter Lego. So what happened? One minute you were with us. And then you were not.

I battle with the suddenness of everything. And I struggle not knowing where you are. On good days I believe all of the nice things- in heaven, in our hearts, all around us. On bad days, I imagine the worst- will I never see you again? Surely that can’t be. On these bad days, I try to focus on the fact that you are not suffering anymore. I feel we were cheated with life. YOU were cheated with life. “It’s so unfair” is something we constantly say. “I hate this life” is another thing we say. And then I remember, we are probably feeling just a fraction of what you were going through.

So today, though it doesn’t exactly feel like a good day, I will continue to believe- you are in the beautiful sun breaking through the cotton wool clouds as I drove in to work, you are in the bright shining star right above us, as we walk to the grotto at the church down the road to light candles for you, you are in the yellow butterflies fluttering around Ammamma’s garden. You are also in your room taking a break, you are singing and playing the piano, you are still visiting the gym and taking the dogs out for a walk.

You are in heaven, but you are also around us and within us.

Run free my darling.

Love Mum