In the early hours of January 1st, 2025, after I received your family’s call, I remember screaming hysterically. I had no idea what to do. I could only scream. It felt like I had screamed for hours before my mum put her hand over my mouth and told me to stop because it might disturb the people in the next room. I fell silent, sitting on the carpeted floor of the hotel room, legs too weak to move, eyes burning from squeezing them shut, tears streaming down my face, mind racing, trying to process what I had just heard over the phone. My parents sat across from me, unsure of what to do. After several minutes of silence, they started frantically questioning me – if I knew what happened, if I knew that you were sad, if I expected this… So many questions I could not answer. Honestly, I didn’t have the energy. I didn’t have the mental capacity to explain every detail and defend against potential accusations or misunderstandings. I kept staring at the carpet and said, “Yes, I knew that he was sad.”
The questions continued, but my thoughts drowned them out. And when my parents realized that I wouldn’t answer anymore, they stood up and busied themselves. I stayed on the floor as long as I needed to before I finally got up, curled up on the bed, and continued weeping.
“Yes, I knew that he was sad.” What an injustice to every emotion you were feeling and had felt. “Sad” is too simple a word to describe what you were feeling. “Sad” is too easy. If you were simply sad, everything we did and could have done would have helped you feel better. “Sad” is an unfair representation of everything you had been through and were still going through up until the night of December 31st. If you were just sad, you would still be here.
You didn’t just feel sad. You felt hopeless, tired, sorrowful, empty. Almost every difficult emotion imaginable, you have felt. With the pain you carried, “sad” would have an entirely new definition. No one would know “sad” like you did. And this is only my perspective, you only ever told me an ounce of what you truly felt. After I left for Japan, you tried to hide your feelings from me so you wouldn’t worry me. You were going through so much, but your primary concern was if I’d enjoy my holiday. But I insisted, told you I’d worry anyway, because I could sense the change in the tone of your texts. And eventually, you told me, after days of holding it in. I could see your pain, but I had no idea how to help. If you were just sad, all the ice cream, the brownies, the games, the music, the dogs, would have cheered you up. The haircut you got would have cheered you up. The pictures you took with your family, knowing how good you look, would have cheered you up. If you were just sad, you would have been cheered up.
The poem Lynn shared a few posts ago really encapsulates the feelings you were going through and the person that you are. You experienced the deepest suffering, the sharpness of life, the bitterness of the world, and yet you are the best person I know. Like the poem said, you continue to choose to be kind, to be gentle, to love, even when cruelty would have been much easier. You will always be the person I strive to be.
Despite the challenges you faced, you excel in everything you do. Your talent is limitless, and I can only do my best to honor you in every way I can. You would have continued achieving so much greatness on Earth, and I will try to do everything we wanted to do – for you. I have been saying this to you since we started dating – everything I have and everything I will achieve, will always be as much yours as it is mine. I will save you a seat wherever I go – you will always be at the table.
Of all the things I have achieved and will achieve, our love remains my greatest one. It comforts me to know that you are finally allowed to be as happy as you deserve to be. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.
Love always,
Sha
I Swear You Will Be Fine 
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