I Swear You Will Be Fine

Ever since we became friends, we hardly ever stopped talking. It happened gradually – we started with once every few days about a topic we were both interested in, and then it became continuing our conversations after you got off the train, texting each other whenever we had a random thought we believed the other person might enjoy, then texting every other hour about everything and nothing at all. It got to a point where you were my moral compass, my decision-maker (for big and small things), my personal tutor, my advice-giver, my listening ear, my entertainer… and when we started dating, you became my everything. I’d come to you for, literally, everything. Feeling hungry but unsure of what to eat? Text Josh. Want to study but can’t decide where to begin? Josh. Walking to get a waffle? Josh. Saw something weird/funny/interesting/boring? Josh. There’s no one on Earth who knew my every move more than you did. And it went both ways. You came to me for advice, to share silly things, to show me the Lego you built, or a cat on the street… It might sound like we were overly reliant on each other, but we never saw it that way. We saw it as: Life is boring alone, and I wholeheartedly enjoy your company. So, why would I do without it?

Ever since you left for Heaven, I’ve been quite alone – even though I feel like you are still here. Of course, I still talk to you, text you, write to you, and ask for your opinion as if I can hear you, but it is very much different from the life we had. I only want to do life with you. So, now that I can’t hear you, I try to think like you would. I try to speak to myself like you would, try to treat myself like you would. I try to honor you in every way I can – the exercise, the healthier eating, the grades… I try to live like I would if I could still see and hear you.

A lot of the time, to help me honor and remember you, I ask myself: What Would Josh Say? WWJS? Would he tell me this? Would he allow me to do that? Recently, I had a group project with three other people who weren’t contributing as much as they should have. A week before the due date for that assignment, I asked myself, “WWJS?” and I thought about all the advice you’d give me, all the things you’d say, the values you uphold, and I took action. I took the lead for the project, delegated individual tasks, and gave them a deadline. I was irritatingly nitpicky and micromanaged every step of the project (which might have annoyed them, but my grades matter more than their opinion, so it didn’t bother me), and we actually did quite well for the presentation. Not as well as you and I would have done working together, but I think I did what I could, and that made me feel quite pleased. I think you would have been proud of me too. It was like you were still helping me. I heeded your advice, and it paid off. Sure, it isn’t the same as how it used to be, after all, everything has changed. But at the end of the day, nothing really changed. You are still here – in the way I think of you, speak about you, talk to you – and you will still be here.

This is my mindset for everything I do now. A while ago I was feeling unfit since I used to go to the gym with you. So, I asked myself, WWJS? And you would tell me to exercise, so I did. And you did actually “tell” me… When I was debating if I should pick up Pilates/Spin, I asked for a sign that I should start exercising. This was a few months ago, and I was not feeling great thinking about exercising without you. I went to my bathroom, and in the corner where I usually never look, I found a tiny ladybug. I’d never seen a ladybug in real life before, and it was so small I had to use my phone camera to zoom in on it to see if it was real. I couldn’t believe my eyes because my room is on the second floor of my house, my bathroom and room windows are always closed. The chances of a ladybug just flying into my bathroom was super slim – it would have had to fly through my main door, up the stairs, into my room, past two doors after, into my bathroom, and into the tiny corner where I found it. I immediately googled to see if there was any meaning behind ladybugs. Lo and behold, among the other meanings like protection and luck, a ladybug means positive change and guidance. After I read that, I said aloud, “fine, I got it, I’ll start Pilates”. I took a tiny container, picked the ladybug up, and released it the next morning. So maybe I don’t have to imagine what you would say, because you’re still finding ways to communicate with me (you emphasize a lot of communication in the relationship too, so this is very you!).

You still bring me comfort in so many ways. A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling really overwhelmed after taking up more projects than I should have. I sat at the edge of my bed and wept, because of how different things would have been if you were physically here. Firstly, you would have stopped me and told me not to do so much. Then I tried to remember what you did and what you would do. WWJS? You would ask me to breathe, give me the biggest hug while rubbing my back, and tell me that I can do it, to take it one step at a time. So, I closed my eyes, and imagined how you would have comforted me. Tears were still streaming down my face, but I did feel a little better.

There is nothing that will ever make me feel better about this situation, and I don’t think I will ever be able to accept why you were just taken away from us like that. But, thinking about what you would say or do in situations where you would usually be present, helps me in more ways than I can imagine. Thinking “WWJS?” is another way I honor you and keep you with me. You are still in everything I do and everywhere I go. You are so within me that my veins will become the strings of a harp that only sings your name.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha