I Swear You Will Be Fine

As the days inch by, I feel worse and worse. It’s almost like I’d think, “It could not get any worse than this”, and then it does. I’d wake up and feel awful that you’re not here. Sometimes I’d think back to that day and wonder how it could have happened – it should have just been a scare, right? How did this actually happen? Or I’d dream that you were saved, and we could go back to the lives we were living.

Ever since I read it, I’d been constantly thinking about the poem Lynn posted. I know I briefly wrote about it, but I wanted to elaborate on it a little. I think you would have liked this poem too. You probably would have thought it sounds a lot like you. This poem seems to have glued itself onto the walls of my mind. Before this poem, it was the first two lines of a poem your dear friend, S, shared with us. The poem starts with “All you who sleep tonight, far from the ones you love…” These two lines are etched in my mind – every time I think about it, my heart aches a little. I couldn’t exactly pinpoint why, but I couldn’t get those two lines out of my head for weeks. I mean, the poem resonated with me for obvious reasons – I am sleeping tonight, far from you, the one I love. But my mind just kept repeating those two lines over and over again. All you who sleep tonight, far from the ones you love. It brought me a lot more comfort than I thought a poem would. When I read it, I felt less alone. Like, maybe I’m not the only one, sleeping far from the one I love. The poem found its way to me at a time when I needed it most, and I am grateful that I got the chance to read it. It will remain in my mind for a long time, I reckon.

And now it’s Lynn’s poem, about pain and not passing it on. It is so you. I’ve said this before, and I will definitely say it again – you are the best person I know. I am likely going to say it over and over again. Everyone I know will never question who my favorite person is, who I look up to, who my best friend is. I want to be loud about our love, about my love for you. I want people to think, “Oh yeah, we don’t need to ask her, she’ll say it’s Josh”, even if they didn’t know you. When I read Lynn’s poem, I thought it encapsulated your personality so well. Especially the part about not passing the pain onto someone else. I’ve always wanted to be that kind of person. I’ve always wanted to treat people with the kindness I didn’t receive. It takes a lot to not give people what they gave you – to know that you could be mean and give it all back, but don’t. It takes more strength in a person not to reciprocate than I thought.

Then I realized that that’s you. You are always trying to be the bigger person. You always tried not to give it back. I asked you this once, how you could always be the bigger person when you can just ruin the person who caused you pain. You said something along the lines of, “Because you’re better than them. If you act like them, you’re exactly the same.” We were friends then, standing at the train station, waiting for the train’s arrival. I had no idea if our friendship would become anything more, but I remember thinking you’re someone I need to protect. I remember thinking that even if we never moved beyond friendship, I’d be more than grateful just having a person like you in my life. Even from then, I knew that you were too good for this world. You are the person I’ve always wanted to be – which makes sense too, because why would anyone ever want to be in a relationship with someone they don’t want to be like?

I don’t think a lot of people realize how rare it is to find someone who you’ll love unconditionally. How rare it is to have someone who you can’t find a single flaw in (some of the skeptics will go, “Really? No flaws?” Yes, really. Josh and I talked about this. We asked each other if we do anything that irks the other person and we could not find anything). I know some mums love their children unconditionally, some siblings do too, and some grandparents – as evidently seen in your family. But I think it is insanely rare to find a partner, someone who was a total stranger, who will love you unconditionally. And I’m only confident enough to say this because I know you feel the same way about me. Actually, as sad as it is, I reflected and believe that you’re the only person in my life who loves me unconditionally (again, I know this because you make me feel that way. That says a lot about you too). And you’re not physically here anymore. But that’s okay (no, it’s not), you’re still here. I read that some people believe that everyone has at least one guardian angel. Sometimes I think maybe that’s why they had to take you – because they couldn’t find a guardian angel for me. To that theory, I want to tell whoever’s listening, “That’s not okay, give him back. I don’t need a guardian angel.”

There was a time when you were afraid you would turn out like the person who hurt you. We were still friends when you told me this, and I remember this vividly. We were going up the escalator and you said that that’s what you fear the most. I thought, “I have to tell him this with as much seriousness and sincerity I can muster”, and I turned to you, looked you in the eyes, and said, “You are everything xxx is not.” And you looked at me for longer than usual, my words sinking in, and you told me, “And you are everything you’ve always wanted to be”. We didn’t start dating for a long time after this interaction, but your words meant a lot to me. I hope mine meant something to you too.

You are, and will always be, more than the person/people who hurt you. And I am so proud of the person you are.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha