I Swear You Will Be Fine

So, I am surprised at myself. But I actually managed to do a holiday. Despite it being less than 6 months since you passed. It all somehow came together. Maybe your magical work again.

On a bit of a whim, I agreed to go on a ladies’ trip to India with my 3 gorgeous, precious girlfriends. Before I knew it, flights were booked. Days later, I privately regretted my decision to go. Until 4pm last Wednesday (flight was at 8pm), I was still wondering if I should pull out. It just felt like a lot. Even on the flight there, I was trying my hardest not to cry.

But when I landed, my mood picked up. 

While we waited for the driver to pick us up, there were many cars with “97”s and “79”s. Perhaps your introduction to “Welcome to India” Mum.

When we got to the hotel room, there was a gigantic purple Orchid embroidered onto the headboard. The whole room was decorated in purple and yellow – unusual colours for hotel rooms, but your favourite colours. Even the carpet had purple flowers. The blinds and sofa were purple and yellow. We moved rooms the next night (long story). And our room had the exact same decor. While our other friends’ room was a different colour. Amazing!

When I opened the blinds the next morning, a crow flew past. There were many crows I saw during the 3 days we were there. Your favourite bird.

The hardworking waiter at breakfast at the pavilion wore a name tag with the name “Sanjay”. I mean, come on, surely these are signs beyond signs.

Despite all the signs, there were moments when I questioned what I was doing. How could I be going on holiday when my only son had just died. I mean, the whole thing is just ridiculous. But every time a thought like that came to me, I heard your voice telling me all the right things. “It’s ok, Mum”. “I want you to be happy Mum”. “This is the perfect company for you now Mum”.

The night before we left India during dinner, I thought of returning to our home. Knowing you wouldn’t be downstairs to help with the bags. Knowing your room would be empty. Knowing you wouldn’t be sitting at the dining table while I unpacked my bags. I also had flashbacks of the paramedics taking away your body, and how I couldn’t and wouldn’t look at this. As I was sinking with my thoughts, I tried to distract myself by looking at the screen above me at the restaurant which was telecasting cricket. I hadn’t watched cricket in ages. The moment I looked up at the screen, the score was 97 for 1. Ok Josh, I got it. You were right there with me.

Later that night, we tried to be all sentimental and deep, saying what we liked about the trip. Aunty A said she was happy that I seemed to have enjoyed the trip. Blessed to have friends who care so much about my well-being.

During the one movie I watched on the plane, the lady in the movie was texting her best friend. And her nickname on the phone screen was Bubbles. I actually paused the movie and looked carefully.

And when I landed at Changi Airport, there was some renovation going on and there were barriers constructed. On the barriers were beautiful flowery pictures. And I saw 2 butterflies, looking at each other. One was purple and the other was pink. Butterflies to signify you. Purple for your favourite colour. And pink for Sha’s.

Sha and I were talking about your presence in India. The physical you would have never, ever, ever come with me on the trip. But maybe the heavenly you, without the illness and the difficulties, was right next to me, also taking in the beautiful, rich, colourful scenes, the humble people, the quiet moments, the many laughs, and so, so much more.    

Love you darling,

Mum