I Swear You Will Be Fine

Our blog is titled “I Swear You Will Be Fine”, and every time I am in your room I look at these same words on your wall, but a lot of the times I ask myself, “Will I be fine?” I have bad and worse days, and on many of these days I question what the point of living is if I am simply existing. Yes, I have goals. Yes, I have dreams to achieve for the both of us, but at the end of the day, I still question the point of it.

Recently, I have been watching a few psychic/medium videos that appear on my social media feed. I was a huge skeptic and a big believer in “if science can’t prove it, it’s not real”, but lately I’ve been quite convinced. I think this could be the result of a drowning woman trying to clutch at any straw she can find. And I can hear you (along with all the other skeptics) saying, “Seriously, Sha?”

In a lot of these videos, I see these psychic/mediums asking the client “Do you feel xxx with you?” – which got me thinking: Do I feel you here? Like, do I feel you in the room with me? My answer is: Yes. Even from day one, before these videos started popping up, I think my answer would have been “yes”. When I walk into an empty room, it is empty, but I don’t feel alone. The room feels full. Before you passed, I never really considered the emptiness of rooms because my mind was always fixated on what we were doing and talking about. But I have been in empty rooms before. I have felt the stillness of the air in said empty rooms. And as rational and objective as I can be, I don’t think I’ve stepped into an empty room since you passed. At least, I don’t feel alone in the room. I’ve also watched enough horror movies to know that that would sound a bit scary, “Ooh, what if it’s not Josh?” But I don’t feel scared, so that makes me think it must be you. I feel like it’s you. Maybe now you really are my guardian angel. Maybe I didn’t have one at first, and now life is so terrible that you’ve been tasked with keeping me safe and making sure I am never alone again. So… yes, I do feel you here. The room is not empty. 

Most days, I can even picture you. This is probably attributed to my strong imagination. I have been able to do this since day one. I can “see” you leaning against the wall, standing around the room, walking with me, sitting with me… I used to see you in your outfits – the ones you would wear to school or on our little adventures. Up till recently, I could see you in your maroon Varsity jacket, the one that I keep telling you is my favorite. Now, I see you in a white long-sleeved top, with white loose-fit long bottoms. It’s either that, or the outfit you wore for my birthday dinner you planned – the white collared shirt (the one your mum ironed for us) and black pants. The clothes look comfortable, and you have this reassuring smile on your face most of the time (when you don’t, it’s because I am sad or I’ve said something concerning and I can imagine the look on your face). Sometimes, I can also “hear” what you would say – not always what I want to hear, but always something that you would say. Sometimes, I secretly hope that with these imagined versions of you, I can eventually actually see and hear you.

Like Jess wrote in one post, I have so many questions to ask you. I do ask them out loud, but I’ve been thinking of creating another shared note on our phones to document each discussion topic and question I’ve been wanting to ask you – then when I see you again, I can just pull out this note and we can begin from question one (I can see you smile at me as I type this because it’s a very “me” thing to do, writing/listing things down).

The first question I’d ask you would probably be “Did you get everything you’ve wanted?” and I can almost hear your answer.

I can’t wait to see you again. Creating the shared note with you right after I write this. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha