I Swear You Will Be Fine

The police and paramedics left our home only at about 2.30 in the morning on the 1st of January 2025. After all the tears, commotion and distress, I wanted to have a shower before trying to get a few hours of sleep, knowing I would wake up to some of the most difficult days ahead.

As I turned on the tap, I suddenly remembered you would have used the shower just hours before (your towel and day clothes were still strewn on my bed). I had this irrational thought that I needed to preserve the shower cubicle the way you left it. But the water was already running, and I knew I was not being quite sane.

My eyes darted to the shelves in the corner, with mostly your toiletries. Why you liked to use my shower when you had one attached to your room is beyond me. But I’m glad for that anyway. Your favourite body wash stood out prominently. The Mahogany Teakwood by Bath & Body Works. Days before you passed, I had gone to the store at Jewel and bought 2 bottles as per your request. “Make sure you get the manly ones Mum”, you had said. I remember grumbling to Ammamma about the cost of it. What I would do to keep buying this for you now. There was just a little bit left in the bottle. I opened it and took a whiff of it, breathing in the beautiful scent of mahogany, black teakwood and lavender. I’m not sure how I had the stability and the sense to do something like that just hours after you died. But I did. 

The same bottle still stands on the shower shelf, prominently in front of all the other of my toiletries. Almost everytime I shower, I open it and take a whiff. It gives me a bit of comfort. Sometimes I worry the scent is going away. But it’s ok, I still have another new bottle in the cupboard.

Buying stuff from Bath & Body Works was a 6 monthly or annual ritual for you and me. You loved the body washes and the hand washes. After you died, I told myself I wasn’t going to get anything else from Bath & Body Works. But alas, I relented again.

Last week, the box arrived with new bottles of hand wash and other products. You were not there to excitedly open the box with me, smelling the different products and reserving the ones you liked for your bathroom and telling me which ones to put in the kitchen and the guest bathroom. There were no “manly” body washes. But almost everything I ordered came in purple packaging – at least some form of significance to your memory.

Love you darling

Mum