I Swear You Will Be Fine

These past few days have been really tough. Whoever said grief comes in waves was so right.  Some days, I’m sad but still highly functional – I go to school, sometimes work, participate in extracurricular activities, et cetera. But on other days, the extra bad ones, I wallow in my own sadness and sink into the depression stage of grief. On those extra bad days, I don’t understand the point of living in this endless cycle of inescapable misery. A lot of the times, I force myself to mentally visit my “happy” place; I call it my “mind castle” (it’s also where I go when I’m thinking). The first time I said, “Let me go to my mind castle”, out loud in response to a question Josh posed, he laughed and asked me why I called it that. I said it’s because I like Disney, and castles are pretty – which made him think about what he’d call his own mind space.

The happy moment I thought of a few days ago was about the names of our children. Before we were so certain about their names, I asked Josh whether their last names would follow his last name or if it would be his first name (in some cultures, children’s last names are their father’s first name, like his). Josh said that he wanted them to have his last name because it sounded cool, and I agreed. He then said he wanted a girl first then a boy – the same order as him and his sister – but I was a little apprehensive. I am the elder daughter to a younger brother, and I am very familiar with the “eldest daughter syndrome” I so frequently endure. I didn’t want our future daughter to suffer the same fate (even if we would have different parenting styles and values). Josh was aware of my concerns and assured me that we would refrain from favoring or comparing our children, and he added that he has a close and loving relationship with his sister, to drive his point home. Though we knew that the genders of our children were ultimately not our decision, it was still a fun conversation to have, and we liked seeing how much our parenting values align.

I then told him how I really fancy the names of Greek Gods – like Atlas, Hades, Artemis, Apollo, Hera, et cetera. Josh agreed that they sound nice, but followed with, “You do know how much Greek Gods have sinned, right? They aren’t exactly ‘good people’, you know?” I replied that I knew, but the names are unique and also have pleasant meanings like wisdom, fertility, protector… And he relented, but not before suggesting that we take turns naming the kids. I get one, and he gets one (equity theory, again!). I loved the idea of us both getting to choose the names we like. I added that our kids should have middles names like him and his sister, and he very readily agreed. We also decided that we’d alternate who picked which name; Sha names the first child’s first name, Josh names the first child’s middle name. Josh names the second child’s first name, and Sha names the second child’s middle name.

For our first child – a girl – we’d name her Athena Summer. Athena was my choice, named after the Goddess of Wisdom. Josh and I value intelligence, so he was very pleased with this choice. Summer, her middle name, was Josh’s choice – named after the first song he sent me when we were just friends. Music is a great part of his life, and when we started talking, he’d post songs on his social media page and I would ask him for song recommendations. The first song he ever sent me was “Summer” by Brockhampton. He said that it was one of his all-time favorite songs, and I loved it too. “Summer” marked the beginning of us sending each other songs and giving brutally honest feedback, to eventually sitting in his room listening to the songs he’d play on the piano. To celebrate the start of “us”, Josh decided to choose the name “Summer”. This song was also the one played at his funeral.

For our second child – a boy – we planned to name him Grayson Romulus. Grayson was Josh’s choice, named after a “Game of Thrones” character (fun fact: I had no idea where this name came from. He told me it was just a nice name he had in mind. He might have thought I’d “lose it” if I knew we were naming our kid after a “Game of Thrones” character. To this day, I have not read or watched “Game of Thrones”…). Romulus was derived from the television show “Succession”. Josh raved about the show and named it one of his favorites. He had finished watching it prior to our relationship but insisted on watching it all over again with me. I thoroughly enjoyed the show, and it is the first television series Josh and I watched together. One of our favorite characters on the show is named Roman, nicknamed Romulus or Rome. I liked the sound of Romulus better than Roman, and decided that Romulus shall be our son’s middle name (look at me… joking about the “absurdity” of him naming our son after a TV character, and I’m doing the same). Josh and I were supposed to finish watching “Succession” when I came back from Japan. I have vowed to never continue watching it; the show will remain unfinished in my book.

Josh and I adored these two names and have never considered any others since. As I write this, I am realizing that our daughter, Athena Summer, has a name born from love and heartfelt meaning. While our son, Grayson Romulus, was named after a couple of TV shows… albeit with some heartfelt meaning too (oops… We said no favoritism, Josh!).

After we settled on these names, Josh mentioned that he wanted our children to have the same initials as him and his sister – JSG – or at least have an “S” in the middle. I then thought of another name I quite fancied – Atlas. I told Josh that we could change “Romulus” to “Atlas”, but he then pointed out that the kid’s initials would be… GAG. I quote Josh: “He’s probably already going to get bullied for his name… Do you want him to hate us?” …And that’s how we finalized “Romulus”, and our children’s initials – ASG and GRG. Not as catchy as JSG, but still kind of cute (we think).

There’s a belief that before children come to Earth, they are in Heaven, waiting for their time to come here. Josh, have you met our children already? Do you get to spend time with them? Are they as cool as their names?

It is a nice belief, isn’t it? I cannot wait to join y’all. Don’t have too much fun without me! I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha