I Swear You Will Be Fine

I remember the night in early 2022 so vividly. Jess had returned for the break and was sitting in the balcony studying. I was in the living room watching TV. You were in your room.

You came running out of your room and shouted “J has killed himself”. I would analyse how you said this multiple times over the next few years and even now. There was obviously shock. But I always thought there was an element of pride. Like J had managed to accomplish something you wanted to do but couldn’t. I remember Jess telling me, “you need to calm down”.

J’s passing came as a shock to all of us. A clever, kind, funny, hardworking, good looking kid, who like so many young boys, had so much going for him. One of his last messages to me was months before he passed, telling me you were not doing so well and to keep an eye on you. In many ways, the shock of J’s passing was worse than yours – there were no warnings whatsoever.

Naturally, the attention of all of us – family and friends, turned to you. Within hours, your close friends appeared at our doorstep, worried for both your emotional state and safety. They spent hours with you over the next few days.

It was a devastating time for me too. Dr A was alerted immediately, and he fit you in for an urgent appointment. Despite the shock and devastation, we felt we had done what could be done for your safety and you were ok.

The next morning, I drove you to the funeral parlour. It was very early, and your friends had not arrived. But you wanted to go in. You didn’t want me to come in and I relented – a regret I now have.  (So grateful to so many of your friends’ parents who came to your wake and funeral). But I sat outside the funeral parlour for hours while you were inside. Buses of school kids came and went, and I watched them coming out of the funeral parlour, devastated and sobbing uncontrollably.

The next day I drove you back for the funeral. I parked the car metres away and stood outside. I watched you and your friends come out of the parlour with the casket after the funeral. I saw the excruciating sadness of J’s family, friends and you as you followed the hearse a short distance. I followed several steps behind.

Many times during those few days while I was watching the proceedings from afar, I asked God, “Are you preparing me for this too?”.

Friends and relatives of ours who knew about J’s passing worried for you, but hoped you would see the worst grief possible in J’s family and not complete what you always wanted to do. But from what I’ve read and learnt in the last few months, this is not how it works. You would have had to block the thought of the complete devastation this would have on all of us to do what you eventually did. 

As selfish as this may sound, I am glad you have one of your closest friends in heaven. Last night I had a vision. It was of you and J playing in the snow, and throwing snowballs at each other and laughing away. I really hope this is what it is for you and J now darling.

Love

Mum