I Swear You Will Be Fine

A few days ago, I was sitting at the edge of your bed with the door wide open. Cadbury peeked into your room and in a high-pitched voice I save only for cute animals and children, I asked him to come in. He continued staring at me and after several minutes, laid down right outside your room, head on the floor, still looking in. It was like he wanted to come in, but also didn’t want to. That made me wonder. Was that what he was doing that night too? Was he trapped outside your room door, waiting for you to open it and invite him in?

I often think back to that night and try to imagine what you were doing. You told me you were gaming, so I imagine you sitting on the couch in the same spot you always sit at, loosely holding the PS5 controller we frequently held just weeks before, thoroughly engrossed in your game with the boys sleeping a few feet away from you. I wonder, did the thought suddenly enter your mind? Did you impulsively rush into your room, close the door before the boys could run in after you? Was that how Cadbury was waiting outside your room door?

A few seconds after Cadbury laid down, Knight strolled over and stopped a few feet away from Cadbury. I did the same thing – high-pitched voice, invited him in. He too looked at me, lingered outside your room, and laid down looking into the room. Did he also wait like this wondering what you were doing in your room? They say that dogs have a sixth sense about death – did they know what you were doing behind the closed door? Were they waiting outside in hopes that they’d get to see their favorite person in the world again? Did they hope that they weren’t sensing what they thought they were sensing?

These two beings are probably the ones who spent the most time with us. I have countless, hilarious stories of our adventures with them. But even though I see them every other day, I miss Cadbury and Knight so much. I miss walking into the house with you and hearing the pitter patter of their little paws tapping the floor as they run towards us (mostly, you). I miss hearing Knight scratch at the door when we keep them out. I miss Cadbury trying to jump onto your bed, waiting to be picked up by one of us. I miss Cadbury’s whining when you say teasingly say “no” to him, and I miss the voice you make when you mock him. You’d say something like “I’m Cadbury! I’m a little baby and all I do is cry and whine! MEEMEEMEEMEEMEE!” I miss hearing their barks when we come home. I miss Knight jumping around and barking, getting all excited to go for a walk, and you repeatedly failing to get him to sit. I miss cleaning up their pee with you – we’d each rush to reach the paper towels first, wanting to clean up before the other person did (another act of kindness and love we tried to show each other). I miss hearing “Bye boys, love you!” whenever we leave the house. You would never, and I mean never, leave the house without telling them that. I miss “whining” to you to let the boys in or out of the room whenever you’re “disciplining” them – you’d always be really firm with them, and I’d joke that you’d be the stricter parent when we have kids (you always thought you’d be stricter, but I vehemently disagree). I miss playing games with you and sitting with them on the floor because they weren’t always allowed on the couch. I see them every other day, but I miss Cadbury and Knight so much. I miss the four of us.

I know Cadbury and Knight must miss you too. I’m sure they wonder why they don’t get to see you as often anymore. I wonder if you visit them in their dreams. When i see Knight kicking his legs in his sleep, I wonder if you’re running in the fields with him like you used to. When I catch them staring at an empty space for a longer period of time, I wonder if you’re standing right there saying, “Hi Knight, hi Caddy, I miss you both too.” You must miss them so much. You’ve lived years of your life with them, and I don’t know anyone who loves their dogs as much as you do, so I’m certain you miss them too.

Even though you miss them, don’t let them join you too soon, okay? I see the boys as a piece of you and spending time with them reminds me of when we’d spend hours together – it helps more than I can fathom.

I can’t wait to see you soon. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha