I Swear You Will Be Fine

It was a routine for me every Sunday evening to fill the pill box with all your meds together with a whole lot of supplements – vitamin B,C,D, high strength fish oil. Until early last year, I would be the one to give you the pills. And then I started giving you the pill box after filling it, and you set reminders on your phone to take the pills. I would sometimes forget to refill your pillbox in time, so you set a reminder on my phone. It would come on at 12pm every Sunday – “Refill Josh’s Pills”.

A few days after you died, I couldn’t handle seeing the only reminder on my phone, and I deleted it.

And then, about 3 weeks after you died, I was at work. I accidentally double booked my meetings. One was with my boss, and the other with an external vendor. So I excused myself from the vendor meeting and attended the one with my boss.

During the meeting, we were discussing non-compliance by some staff, and we brought up setting reminders on our phones to assist with this. I remember feeling a stab of pain and my eyes filling with tears, thinking of the only reminder on my phone – to refill your pills, that was now non-existent.

That meeting ended early, so I decided to join the vendor meeting. It was about a procurement system to order medications. The vendor was sharing a number of powerpoint slides. And one of the slides had a table of various medications. They were names of regular medications – arcoxia, insulin, various diabetic medication names. And there, in the middle of all the names, was “Joshs pills”. It didn’t click initially, and then it did. I remember nudging my colleague who had attended your funeral, and he said, “see, I told you, he’s right here, right next to you”.

I mean, if this is not a sign, what is?

Sometimes I worry if the sign was you asking me why I didn’t increase your meds. But most of the time I take it as a miraculous sign, coming at the exact time I needed it, when I was upset that there was no longer a reminder to refill your pills.

I’m not sure if I ever believed in the afterlife. But whatever it is, and however it is, I believe in it now.

Thank you darling for sending this amazing sign, just when I needed it. I couldn’t survive if I didn’t believe you are constantly around us and happily watching over us.

Love you.

Mum