I Swear You Will Be Fine

There’s a quote by Joni Mitchell that says, “You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone”. I guess, oftentimes, people forget to cherish what they have; some take things for granted. I’m sure we all have things we don’t fully appreciate, assuming it’ll always be with us. Then there’s another quote that goes, “You knew what you had, you just thought you’d never lose it”.

When I was a child and first heard these sayings, I thought they meant that if you didn’t cherish a precious item, some almighty being would come and take it away (I was around eight, and although my family was not religious, I knew people believed in God. So, I just imagined this almighty being in the sky, watching everyone’s every move, ready to confiscate if appreciation was not present. My mindset was: I had to make an extra effort to prove I cherished my toys). That was my belief growing up: don’t cherish it, it goes away. This lasted a while, until I became a teenager and realized life doesn’t really work that way. In fact, I learnt at a young age that it’s quite the opposite. There were things I didn’t want in my life – experiences I desperately wanted to do without – but they somehow remained anyway. Meanwhile, the things I cherished either stayed or left, seemingly only dependant on science and the natural order of the world (like when my terrapin died an unnatural death, even though I took care of him).

So here’s what I don’t understand, and some of you can probably already see where this is going. I cherished, and still cherish, Josh. I cherished our relationship, our life together, our future. I knew every moment was precious because we had such a good time together. I often wondered if life was kind enough to let me keep him, so I cherished every single second because of how much I love our relationship. I did all I could to prove that we were loved and cherished. I held onto every moment so carefully, so preciously. I prayed to an almighty being with him. I did everything that blatantly spelled “CHERISHED” to the universe. Even the blind would be able to see how much we cherished each other.

So, why? Why was he taken away if he was cherished? I almost want to scream at the universe, at the almighty being. Why did you take him away if he is so loved? This has made me so angry at the world. How could you do this to us?

I may not have done everything right. Maybe I should have done this, or not done that. Grief is like an endless cycle of doubting my every action and word. But the one thing I will never doubt is whether I cherished Josh. No one will ever hear me ask, “Do you think I cherished him? Did I cherish our time together?” Because yes, I did. I did and it still didn’t work.

Now I have nothing left to cherish. I can only hold on to what he continues to give me – the signs and the dreams. At least I have something.

Josh, I can’t wait to see you again. Maybe it’ll be tonight when I close my eyes, or maybe it’s when my time eventually comes. Either way, I can’t wait. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha