I Swear You Will Be Fine

BoJack Horseman was the first show I had recommended you to watch. We were still just friends, talking via Instagram, and you asked me if I had a favorite TV show. I rarely watch shows or movies – in fact, before we got together, I could actually count the number of shows I’d watched on one hand – I told you a few of my favorite light-hearted shows like Friends and Modern Family, but I gave you a disclaimer that you might not enjoy them. I already knew that you were critical and would not enjoy typical sitcoms, so I told you about BoJack Horseman. I vouched for the show and told you that although I watched it a few years back, it stuck with me and I could almost recite one specific scene from the show – one of my all-time favorite scenes. It seemed to have intrigued you because shortly after, you had sent me clips of yourself watching BoJack in your free time. I also knew that you genuinely liked it because if you didn’t, you definitely wouldn’t have watched it even if you liked me (Before Bojack, I had recommended you one of my all-time favorite books, and you texted me TWO WEEKS LATER telling me you only read TWELVE pages of it and stopped because you got bored… so you definitely liked BoJack because if you didn’t, you would have told me or stopped watching it).

By the time we had gotten together, you were around four seasons into the show and you asked me if I would watch the rest of it with you. I agreed, because I liked the show and I liked how much you liked it. We watched that show every day whilst having lunch for at least a month. The show was quite heavy – it touched on topics like self-loathing, mental illness, addiction, relationships, death, and more. The show provided us with a lot of discussion topics. Almost every episode we had something to say, some opinion to share, some moral dilemma to debate. Some episodes were difficult to watch in the most beautiful ways, and if I had to pick a few of my favorite discussions I’ve had with you to relive, some of them might be the ones we got from this show.

The show consisted of six seasons, and in the second last episode of the last season, BoJack appears to have drowned in a pool. You were thoroughly engaged throughout this whole episode, barely looking away from the TV or sharing your opinions mid-episode. I was watching you intently, not because I feared that you’d be triggered or get ideas, but because I truly enjoyed watching how immersed you were. The last scene depicts BoJack struggling to get through a “dream state” where he sees all of his friends who have died, and he frantically tries to avoid this blackness that’s trying to get to him. At one point, he calls a close friend of his, someone who has been his pillar of support for a long time. He calls her and asks her to save him, but during the call, he realizes that she actually didn’t pick up the phone. Instead of putting the phone down, he stays on call with his imagination of her and has a normal conversation. The episode ends with what seems to be his flatlined heartbeat, and viewers are left wondering if BoJack really died. I vividly remember your reaction to this episode. As the flatline droned on, you looked at me with a stunned expression, slowly bringing your hand over your mouth, and said, “What the …” I started laughing because of your reaction and said, “This is a good show, right?” You got up from your seat, still wearing an expression of utter shock, “NO ……. WAY, THEY KILLED HIM OFF? NO WAY, no way… He did not die. He died?? No, they wouldn’t kill him off he’s the main character???” I couldn’t stop laughing because I knew the ending of the show (BoJack does not die, sorry for the spoiler) but I refused to spoil it for you, not when you’ve gotten so into the show. I replied as nonchalantly as I could, “Yeah, he died. I mean, it’s his trajectory, no? He lived such a careless life and indirectly hurt so many people… I think it’s a reasonable ending, really. Based on the way he is, you know?” At this point, you seemed to have caught on to my little act, and said, “Noooo, you’re lying. I can tell! When can we watch the next episode?”

We watched it the day after, and when BoJack appeared on TV again, you turned to me with a wide grin and shouted, “I KNEW IT! I TOLD YOU THEY WOULDN’T KILL HIM OFF I KNEW YOU WERE SCREWING WITH ME HA!” After the show ended, you rated it quite highly, saying that one of your favorite scenes was the one where he “died” and called his friend. You went on about how artistic the show was, especially that scene, and we had many conversations about this show even after we’d finished watching it.

Here’s the scene, for clarity:

I was thinking about this calling scene a few days ago. On that awful night, I kept calling you over and over again. It would have been loud, the sound of your ringtone blaring from your desktop. Did you pick up the phone too, somewhere in your “dream state”? Did you think you’d answered, believing you had somehow stopped yourself, when in reality, you were already halfway to the other side? Did you figure out mid-call that you had not picked up the phone, that my call was still ringing in real life? Did you then sit somewhere, talking to an imaginary me? If so, were you comforted? Did I provide you with some comfort, Josh? Did you manage to call everyone else you love and talk to them for the last time? Did we also talk about our days for the last time? Did you leave, at peace?

Watching this scene makes me think of you. If you did pick up the phone, I hope we had a great conversation. I hope I told you all about my day, and listened to yours. I hope I told you how much I love you and miss you. I hope you were feeling comfortable and at peace. I hope you were replaying all of your best moments in your head. There’s a scientifically unproven, popular idea that after you die your brain plays back your favorite memories for seven minutes – I really, really hope that I was a part of your seven minutes.

Now, all I hope is that you’re still with us wherever we go, and that you’re happier than ever. I hope you’re happier being here now than you were before.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha