I Swear You Will Be Fine

A few years ago, I went to a Harry Styles concert and heard the song “Matilda” for the first time. I know, I know, I should have “studied” for the concert beforehand, but I thought I’d be able to figure it out when I was there, so I went in only knowing two or three of Styles’ songs. The concert was nice, and Styles was a great singer, but the company I had at the concert was far from pleasant. For majority of the concert, I found myself trying my hardest to focus on the songs to distract myself from the unpleasantness of my company – and to be fair, Styles’ great singing and upbeat songs helped a little, but I wasn’t able to be fully immersed in his performance for a number of reasons. “Matilda” though, was probably the only song that left me completely mesmerized. I was hearing it for the first time, and I surprised myself with how I managed to catch every song lyric and feel every emotion Styles’ intended with that song. “Matilda” became one of my favorite songs and I still hold it very close to my heart.

I think the lyrics of this song and some context needs to be given before one can fully understand what I mean. Here is “Matilda”:

I don’t exactly have the words to explain why this song means so much, and how it relates to Josh, but I think most people should be able to put two and two together. I listened to this song at a point in my life where I had little support from the people around me and went through a lot on my own. This song helped me make decisions that eventually led to some light in my life, and I was convinced that everything will eventually be okay because, like the song said, “You can start a family who will always show you love”. With that sentence in mind, I made decisions where I finally put myself first. Starting a family where we’ll always show each other love became a goal of mine, and motivated a lot of my actions. I spent a lot of time thinking and hoping to start a family like that and a lot of it shaped the values I try to possess – values which Josh loves and embodies too.

When I met Josh and we fell in love, I felt like I was a huge step closer to my ultimate goal. I knew that with him, we definitely could have a loving and supportive family because of the way he is. When Josh asked me what my favorite songs were so he could play them on the piano, “Matilda” was one of the songs I introduced to him. He thought it was beautiful and it was one of the few songs he did not criticize (he always has such strong opinions about music… which I adore). He suddenly played it for me one day when I came out of the bathroom, and I was too stunned to move or get my phone out to record it. I audibly gasped and he was very pleased with my reaction. It felt healing to watch Josh play this song, knowing how big of an impact it had on me. I thought back to how I was standing at that concert venue with my unpleasant company, yearning to start the family I always wanted, wondering if that’s something I could actually do. Sitting and watching Josh, I realized that I made it. I found my family, and was on my way to starting one with endless love. It was so nice and easy that Josh and I wanted the same things. It could not have been easier. That’s a word I’d use to describe our relationship – easy. It was so easy for us to get along; Josh is so easy to love. It is so symbolic, so healing, to have the person who unknowingly healed wounds he didn’t cause, play this song for me. When Josh played this song, it felt like he was saying, “Everything that you’ve been through was worth it, because now it’s over. The battle is over, and happiness has finally arrived.” – on December 26th, he had texted me, “Everything that has happened so far will be worth it for the both of us.”

As you might guess, Josh’s piano playing left me in tears. I was beyond grateful, and he knew it too. After, I gave him a big hug and internally told myself, “Okay, we’re okay now. We made it through the awfulness of life, and we’re okay.” Josh and I agreed to be each other’s “nice thing” in life, because we knew that life had not been very nice to us both.

Josh played “Matilda” for me a couple more times after but every time he played it, I just couldn’t bring myself to move and record in fear that if I moved, the moment might end. Unfortunately, I never got a recording of him playing this song. Oftentimes I think of how I can’t hear him play it again and hate that I can’t. I can hear the way he plays it in my head, but I think we all know that that’s very different. Along with “Summer” by Brockhampton, “Matilda” is one of the songs I can’t listen to… It’s too difficult.

Now, I can only hope that I can accomplish everything Josh and I wanted to. I will be eternally sad that I can no longer start a family who will show me love, but I am glad I got a taste of it with Josh. Maybe a happy life is not meant for this version of me. But that’s okay, we can always try again in the next one.

Josh, I can’t wait to see you, and hear you play the piano and sing as well as you do. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha