I Swear You Will Be Fine

Another weekend trip. I am also packing things in to keep myself busy. As Shalini said, when you’re exhausted, the intense grief is limited.

This one was planned weeks before you passed, with a group of amazing, beautiful, kind, humble, successful and most of all, hilarious women all turning 50 this year. The initial plan was for Jess and you to have a weekend at home without me. But after you passed, I didn’t have the heart to leave her here alone, and so these lovely ladies very kindly accommodated the 8^th lady, significantly younger than 50 years.

As most things are these days, everything was bittersweet. But I know you were trying to send us off happily. The sky the morning we left was an amazing, deep lavender. When Jess and I arrived at the airport, there was a lone crow sitting on the silver barrier pillar, exactly at our door. It was watching us unload our bags intently and only flew away after we went in. That was nice. Somehow it felt like you were giving your blessings.

Most places we went I wondered if you would like it. It is often difficult to separate your illness from your person. You with the illness would not have wanted to come to Bangkok, would not have enjoyed the food (except maybe just the Thai fishcakes), would not have enjoyed shopping at Platinum Mall (actually, maybe for just a few minutes and before it got crowded) and would not have enjoyed the skillful massages. 

Walking through Platinum Mall, I remembered being there 9 years ago, and buying you the blue and white-checked cotton shorts that you loved so much. You were so much bigger then, but even after losing the weight, you liked wearing those shorts. There were so many nice shorts I saw that I wished I could have bought for you.

Having our feet washed at the massage spa, I thought of you also being there, giggling with Jess and me from the ticklish feel of the salts being rubbed on our soles.

Most of all, you, with or without the illness, would have loved the hotel. You would have just stayed there, ordering room service, going to the gym, and maybe even the pool. On our last day, I decided to have a bath in the massive bathtub. As I filled the tub with the water and the bath salts, and then started to add in the bubble bath, I thought fondly of your addiction to bubble baths. The tub was overflowing with soapy bubbles. Laying there and looking out at the full length glass windows, I saw the greyish sky, with the clouds perfectly still. And strangely a whole plantation of banana trees, right there in the middle of the city. You would have loved it. But I got bored after a whole 10 minutes, and decided to get out, as nice as it was. As I was getting out, I remembered what a mess you would make when you had these bubble baths, sometimes with the soapy water flooding the bathroom and even leaking out of the bathroom of whichever hotel or AirBnB we were in. But as I stepped out, my feet touched the long, white, fluffy rug, and I thought to myself- you wouldn’t have made a mess in this bathroom.

Aunty M asked us if we wanted to buy you something from the Lego store. But we didn’t. On our last morning though, we decided to go look for something. In a beautiful open concept bookstore full of lovely cafes, we found a little Muay Thai red boxing glove keychain. So that is what we got you. It is sitting on your desk along with so many other gifts in recent months. Come play with it ok?

I hope you enjoyed Bangkok with us my darling.

Love Mum