I Swear You Will Be Fine

It’s generally the rule of thumb- you don’t realise what you have until it’s gone. 

When you left for heaven, there was so much sadness, shock, tears, screams, and almost everything negative. I concentrated on trying to survive the hardest 2 days to come- arranging the funeral, claiming your body, and the formalities to follow. The night after your funeral, Jess asked S Mami if the worst is over. And she said it’s probably only going to get harder. I didn’t believe her then. But I do now.

Almost everyday I am learning about something new we need to manage as we continue to live this life. I remember by the end of the first week, I foolishly and gullibly believed I had seen all the potential triggers, and everything would be easier henceforth. Wrong again.

So the new thing I realised this week is I no longer have the man in my life. For so many, this is a romantic partner. But for me, it was you, and how I wish it was still you. The little, mischievous boy who grew up to be a fine young man, and was always on my side.

I miss the strong boy who would grab all my shopping bags when I parked the car, hardly letting me hold or carry anything. I miss you picking up our suitcases as if they were feathers and effortlessly placing them in the car boot.

But it wasn’t mainly the physical strengths. I miss your perception when I was upset about the slightest thing. I recall so many, many instances when you would not even be facing me, and I would be reading a difficult email, and you wouldn’t even look up at me but would say, “Is something wrong Mum?”. It was amazing how you could do that. Perhaps it was your intense sensitivity. Perhaps it was just your gift. But you would always be right. As much as I tried to hide some things from you, you would somehow guess that something was wrong. Another testament to how kind and loving you are. Even when things were difficult for you, you would step in if I was facing a difficulty.

But most of all, I miss your loyalty and support. I could do nothing wrong in your eyes. There was never a situation where you didn’t step in for me. I still remember late December 2023 when I was upset about something. We hadn’t even talked about it. I was driving and you were in the back seat. But when you got out of the car, you came to the left passenger door and opened it before I drove off. And you quietly mouthed, “You ok?”. One of my most precious moments and it instantly made me feel better. You said to me once just weeks before you died, “I think for you Mum, your children are your soulmates”.

Even during the height of your illness, I know you struggled to see me upset. I guess this is one of the biggest reasons you tried so hard to stick around.

So, the most important man in my life is not physically here anymore. Somehow, the signs are so many more when I’m upset. It’s like I can hear your voice, “It’s ok Mum, I’m right here.” There are more numbers, crows fly out of nowhere. Knowing how much love there was and is between us, I strongly believe you are still somehow around me, still trying to give me all the support, still being insanely loyal to me with your numerous signs, and forever looking out for me and loving me. I know you will continue to do this until we are together again.

Love you and miss you darling,

Mum