I Swear You Will Be Fine

Our family is weird about birthday parties. We can all admit it. We go way over the top. The budget isn’t massive, but everything else was was. It starts with the theme. You pick what’s your obsession currently. Josh did Black Panther, The Wiggles, Fish, Game of Thrones, Brockhampton, Minecraft, Pokemon, WWE, The Avengers and more (not in that order). Then you have to pick the colour scheme for the invitations, the balloons and the goodie bags. Then you have to give some cake designs to our grandma for inspiration. Then Mum helps you plan the venue, decorations and food. Our grandpa is responsible for blowing and tying balloons.

The sibling has specific roles too. Josh would plan all the music for my parties and the games. The best part was that he would also play the host. When I had a Harry Potter birthday, Josh played the role of the Sorting Hat beautifully. He decided what vibe each friend of mine had and put them into the appropriate house. For a 10-year-old boy, he did a good job. I can’t complain.

Until the age of about 14/15, his parties just got bigger. Up to 40 teenage boys would fill the party hall, but it got smaller after that. He struggled more with big crowds, and the parties became something he would do for us and not himself. So it became 10 of his closest friends at home. It didn’t satisfy our need to throw him a massive party, but there would always be helium balloons, good food and a stunning cake. Ultimately, it was whatever made him happy. On his 19th, we took it to heart. Josh wanted the three of us to go to the gym and then swim in the pool. We love him enough that Mum and I agreed to exercise twice in a day.

It can be quite hard to look at some of his birthday photos now, because we remember how hard those days were for him. I think he felt so much pressure to be in a good mood because of how much we would have done, but that wasn’t how it worked. Josh wasn’t always able to control his mood. Even if he wanted to be happy to show how grateful he was, it doesn’t mean he always could.

Josh’s 21st birthday is coming. Needless to say, thinking about it can suck. I would so much rather be planning how to celebrate with him. But my Mum is quite honest about it. She says it’s probably the first birthday in a very long time where Josh is genuinely happy. So it’s only right to celebrate that for him. Personally, I would rather yell at him for making me go through his birthday without him, but I think that’s a right I have as his older sister. We’ll try to enjoy it with everyone you loved Josh.