I Swear You Will Be Fine

The night you died, I was afraid to fall asleep. I don’t think I slept at all, as expected. But I was mostly afraid to fall asleep because I was terrified to wake up to not remembering that you had died, and having to live through all that pain again.

Surprisingly, that has not happened, not once. Of course I sleep. Sometimes, I even wonder if I sleep better because I am no longer listening to the sounds of you opening your room door etc, and being worried about what you were doing. I remember often waking up to the sound of a door opening, and then listening intently for the sounds of the toilet flushing or the water flowing from the tap, and only then feeling less anxious to fall asleep again. I also remember sometimes being extra anxious when hearing a sound and then quietly creeping out of my room only to bump into you while you were looking for a snack. I now realise it was another blessed opportunity to get another goodnight kiss and hug, and our “love you”, “love you more” exchange.

But I now also look forward to sleeping. And mainly because it is the only potential chance that I may get to see you. Unfortunately it rarely happens, maybe less than 10 times in the last 6 months. I don’t know if I actually dream and forget when I wake up, or if I don’t really dream about you at all. This was also in a grief book. That the ones closest to you will rarely dream about them for the first several months. It is supposedly like the body’s defence mechanism, preventing you from having to wake up to reality when the dreams may feel so real.

The first few dreams I had of you, they were like you were reminding me of how life would still be if you were still here. You often looked upset to still be here, and you showed me the intense pain you were still feeling. I remember waking up and thinking, ok I understand, you could not have survived feeling that way for so long.

In other dreams, you are quietly standing and smiling at me. Hardly a word, but sort of having a very “knowing” look. Not smug, but like a politely clever look. Patta often looks at your picture and says the way you are looking at us in the picture is like “I know something you don’t”. That’s the look I sometimes get in the very few dreams I’ve had.

But interestingly, in all the dreams, and even in the depth of my sleep, I know you are gone. That is never a question. Every dream I have, whether you are in it or not, I know you are not here. In a way, even in sleep, I cannot escape this grief. But I guess that’s a good thing. I don’t ever want to wake up to forgetting what has happened.

I often wonder what you dreamt during your last few nights. You had told Sha that you were dreaming of your friend J a lot those last few weeks. I’ve heard and read that this is something a lot of people who are about to pass speak about. Was it J who called out to you to join him? There is strangely something comforting in that to me. And if that is what happened, surely it will be you who will call on us when it is our time. And that will be more than comforting to us.

I hope you are always having amazing dreams now darling.

Love you

Mum