I Swear You Will Be Fine

As your birthday approaches, relatives are very kindly coming from afar to make this day just a little less painful, and perhaps as special as possible.

Blessed to have Anta and the boys here with us right now. They are as close as siblings to Jess, and so lovely to be with. We decided to spend a night at the Mandai Resort. As we went up to the roof top pool, there were purple and yellow flowers. Strangely, there were helicopters constantly flying around. You would have liked seeing them. As I was lying on the deck chairs and watching the kids play in the water, it somehow felt like you were around too.

We decided to do the Night Safari. I was only going to walk them down and then return to the hotel. But somehow, when I got there, I decided to go in with them too. It was only when I was queuing for the tram that I remembered the last time I was there. It must have been about 9 years ago. You would have been 11 years old. The problems had already started, partially with Dad, and I guess partially with your illness. I was trying to perk you up, so just you and I had come all the way to the Night Safari. Strangely, as we were queueing, my phone had stopped working. You didn’t have a phone then. We were desperately looking for a public phone booth but couldn’t find one. Eventually, we managed to finish the tram ride and maybe even the show, and drove home. I don’t remember a lot of that night. I don’t think there was anything stressful or unpleasant about the night, except for the phone. But I vaguely recall that you were “trying” to have a good time, perhaps for my sake. I also remember some level of arguments, probably about Dad. I don’t remember the experience being particularly pleasant anyway.

It is a reminder of how long this arduous journey has been. You trying, and we trying, for so long….your life, and even ours, slowly eroding with this wretched illness, only to end in the worst possible way.

As I was going to sleep last night, I tried to imagine you being a part of everything we did yesterday. The drive to the resort, swimming and sitting by the pool, having dinner, playing lots of fun games, and going to the Night Safari. Your name comes up a lot, and that is how I like it. I was trying to remember which animal exhibit you liked the most at the Night Safari, and this is bothering me, that I can’t ask you, and I can’t get an answer. I’m just going to tell myself it is the majestic elephant, Chawang. The boys say it reminds them of Patta.

July has started off heavy for most of us. It will probably constantly get heavier, at least until the day itself. I try to remind myself that this is the first birthday in a long time that you will finally be at peace and completely happy. But it is hard. We are trying to live life, Josh, in any way we can. And we are trying to keep you a part of it, again, in any way we can. Stay close to us darling.

Love Mum