I Swear You Will Be Fine

Day 200… I honestly didn’t think we’d get here. If someone had asked me a year ago where I thought I’d be, I would have shrugged, smiled, and said I’d be doing the same things – school, friends, home. A year ago, we hadn’t officially gotten together yet. Our relationship was just taking the train and bus home, texting most of the time, and casual conversations when we were around our friends. If someone had told me that a year later, I’d be mourning the loss of you as my boyfriend, I wouldn’t have believed them. I mean, I would have believed that you became my boyfriend, that’s for sure – I think that was where we were (very) slowly headed. But never in a million years would I have thought that I’d lose you, figure out a way to live, create a blog for you, and write posts every other day. But I also know for sure that if someone had told me that 2025 would be the year I’d go through such grief, I would still gladly jump into this relationship with you. There are many regrets I have, but choosing to date you, to go into this relationship, to love you – those will never be regrets of mine.

So, it’s day 200 now. Looking back at the past 200 days, I don’t think there was one where I didn’t cry (that must beat some record). I don’t think there was one where I didn’t wish you were here. I don’t think there was one where I didn’t ruminate on what could have been done. There is definitely not one where I haven’t talked to you, texted you, or said “good morning” or “good night” to you. The list can go on and on, like how our days will keep going on and on as we wait for you to send us a sign or give us a dream. This is our life now, and has been for 200 days, as much as we wish it weren’t.

I hold out a lot of hope for our next lives. I think it’s because this one was such a bad one. We had amazing moments in this life, but I know we were meant to have more. I used to lay with you and discuss what could be – how our children would look like, what a day in our lives would be like after we’d established our careers… I used to imagine what our life could be, but now I can’t, because I know it can’t be. So, I like to imagine what our next lives would look like instead. Here’s what I think it’ll be like.

In our next lives, we’ll continue filming silly videos and do couple challenges we see online, most of the time failing and falling to the floor laughing.

In our next lives, we’ll continue playing videogames on your couch. You can beat me at the games, and tell me I’m such a bad player (when you’re intentionally making me lose).

In our next lives, we can debate about Marvel versus DC, if Dune is better than Star Wars, if water is wet. We can argue about which billionaire we think is secretly evil, who has a better music taste, and what color our future house should be. (These are all real debate topics we’ve had, by the way)

In our next lives, I’ll meet your friends for the first time at your birthday party. I’ll be awkward and quiet at first and mostly stick with you for comfort. You’ll break the ice, and we’ll end the night playing Mario Kart, and I’ll be so grateful to be alive.

In our next lives, we’ll celebrate earning our titles of Dr together. We’ll relish each other’s success and share our happiness having worked hard to achieve greatness together.

In our next lives, we’ll design our house together. We’ll choose our apartment, the color of our walls, if we should have an indoor gym or a mini library. We will have horror movie nights and eat healthy popcorn or chips, and go to the gym every day (or you’ll go every day, and I’ll go every other day).

In our next lives, we’ll have dinner parties with Lynn and discuss interesting, nerdy, topics that only we’d have fun talking about. We’d still be the same trio (we are still a trio now, just a little different).

In our next lives, we’ll walk down the aisle together. It’ll be beautiful and more importantly, comfortable. Knowing us, the ceremony will conclude before ten because that’s your bedtime and I’m too introverted to socialize for longer than a few hours. We’d go home, hold hands and jump around in circles like we’d do when we get excited about something (you can imagine it… the fact that we did this honeslty cracked us up) We’d laugh together until our faces hurt.

In our next lives, we’ll have cute little baby announcements. We’ll surprise your family with the news in a funny way – the way you’d want to “prank” them. We’ll film sweet little gender reveals and eventually send funny little videos of our children to your family and friends. You know what we won’t be doing? We won’t be arguing over baby names because we have them picked out already.

In our next lives, we will do everything we should have done and more. We will not be handicapped by the unkindness of others in our youth, and we will be okay.

I can’t wait for all of that and more. Life will be so much fun with you. I love you more, always, and forever. See you in a bit.

Love always,
Sha