I Swear You Will Be Fine

And I travelled again….seems to be a record this year…..

This time it was Krabi. Anta and family very kindly asked us to join them. It was literally less than 48 hours, but it was so good for the soul. As well as the distraction as we come into this difficult week.

I don’t recall a lot of our last trip to Krabi when you were very little. I remember it was well before the problems. I remember we stayed in a resort that was sprawling and quiet. I remember you and Jess were so excited to have your own room (though interconnected) and both of you were jumping up and down on the beds. And I remember we spent a lot of time lying at the beach, all of us reading. I think it may have been Ben 10 that you were reading.

This time it was without the physical you, but with 3 very special boys, who constantly kept us entertained. 

And of course, you were also with us. As we arrived at the airport, there was a chauffeur waiting for another guest with a welcome board, “Welcome to Krabi Joshua”. As Anta and I spent the morning in the pool talking about you and what we want to do for your foundation, a lone crow sat on the pole of the power line watching us, flying off when we stopped talking about you and returning when the topic went back to you. There were purple flowers all over the beautiful villa. And a white mother hen, walking about with her 2 little chicks…..me, you and Jess?

It was a surprisingly very, very nice trip. As usual, Jess and I talked about whether you would have liked it. And again, you with the illness would have never come. But you, right now, were right beside us.

I looked at the vacant chair in the living room of the villa, while we were playing “SPOONS”. And I imagined you sitting with us, also playing with the deck of cards, cracking up and laughing uncontrollably, especially when Jess was throwing a tantrum about losing. I saw you playing with the boys in the pool, shooting Baby A with the water guns, and trying to get some active calories in. I even saw you sitting with me in the pool early in the morning, having a heart to heart conversation. I imagined you looking out into the beautiful view of the landscape, with the multiple limestone karsts and islands. I imagined you sitting with us on the beach, maybe reading a book, and then joining us to “start” building the sandcastle. And I saw you with us as we scrambled to pack up and leave the beach, when the storm came in within minutes, running with us as the sand stung our legs with the intensity of the winds. And I saw you standing with us, as we tried to get shelter from the peltering rain. You were with us all the way.

So I guess this is what it will be like. It’s like what Jess said to me when we were travelling back, “we get to take you with us more now than when you were physically here”. We are trying to live life my darling, and I hope you are living it through us.

Love Mum