I Swear You Will Be Fine

As your birthday draws near, I keep thinking about what I should be doing with you, instead of what I’m actually doing now. Instead of texting you and going on and on about what to wear for your birthday party, how nervous I am to meet your friends for the first time, things I should and shouldn’t say to them… I’m texting them the details of your “party”, and to come with no expectations. Instead of hearing you tell me not to worry if you’ll like my gifts for you, I’m telling your family what I got you with a sad smile on all our faces. Instead of filming videos of your family and friends sending you well wishes, I’m making a compilation of pictures and videos of you for your friends and family.

On the actual day, instead of showing up at your house at the crack of dawn to surprise you, I’m having breakfast with your family. Instead of booking tickets for us to watch Superman, I’m going with your family – hoping that you’ll be there too. We plan to do everything the way you would have wanted, just maybe with a lot more sadness and some extra activities in remembrance of you.

Your birthday will be really, really hard. But we’re going to try our best to do everything for you and with you. I’ll wear a dress, because it is my boyfriend’s birthday, and I would’ve worn it with you. I’ll put on some makeup, because it is my boyfriend’s birthday, and I would have done the same with you. And I’ll write you a note, the same one I would have written if you were physically here (this is just a shorter version; the longer notes are for your eyes only).

“Dear Joshua,

Who would have thought that we’d be where we are today? This time last year, I’d just wished you a happy birthday with a super brief text. If you recall, I literally wrote “happy birthday, Joshua” and you replied, “thank you, Shalini”. Then a few hours later, in the middle of our Developmental Psychology class,  I gave you my hand-drawn and handwritten card. It was a very lame and not at all well-written one, but I could see the surprise on your face. I guess we could say that that was the start of everything, right? You later texted me to say that your mum caught you smiling at the card and asked if you had a good day. I still have our texts from that day… Maybe we should frame it and put it on our wall one day. It’s quite cute, isn’t it?

Back then, we were just friends. We talked daily, sat together at school, whispered during classes (most of it was school content, really) – but I already knew that you’d be my best friend. How lucky am I that you also became my boyfriend! Some people don’t get as lucky as I – boyfriend PLUS best friend! All in one very good-looking, very smart, very talented boy. Honestly, I’m quite shy to say this because I can see you smiling at this letter and looking up at me and teasing me for saying this, but I have to say it. When I think about how much I love you, my heart sometimes feels like it’s gonna explode (but in a good way!!) Like, it might explode from being too full of love for you. And then I think “how sad it must be for those who don’t feel or will never get to feel a love like that”. I know it’s your birthday, so this should be about you, yet I’m rambling on and on about us. Maybe I should have saved this for our anniversary card in a week… well, you can read this twice (I’m kidding, I’ll write another one). For my birthday, you wrote me a 300-word card (and very proudly said it to me too – it’s an inside joke of ours). Sorry to disappoint, but I’m already at 400 words.

If you are reading this letter, you would have received all the gifts I’ve made and bought for you. Let me explain them (as if I didn’t explain them while gifting them to you). Firstly, the video of your friends and family sending well wishes to you was made from at least a month ago. They were all soooooo sweet to help me with this, and I know it’s a gift you’ll treasure for a long time. Next, the BATMAN LEGOOOO!!! Do you remember when we were at Toys R Us in December and I was buying little stuff for you? You turned around and saw this Batmobile Lego and said that it was something you wanted but the one you currently have is a different model of the Batmobile (in all honesty, I heard you, but I have no idea what you meant. I think you also know that I have no idea what you were talking about). I told you I’d buy it for you, and you said, “NO! It’s too big a gift for no occasion. If you want, you can get it for me for my birthday next year.” And I agreed. So here it is. I hope you like it… I actually really did not know which to buy, I had to google the release date of this thing so I could ensure I wasn’t buying the wrong one… you’re laughing now. I can feel it… you’re going to say I have girlfriend ears for not remembering what you said – another inside joke of ours). Anyway, I hope you like the gifts (as much as I love you!).

Thank you for being the best person I know, and the best thing to have ever happened to me.

Happiest birthday to the person who makes me the happiest.

I’ll love you for all the days to come.

Love always,
Sha

*This letter is 702 words long. I win :)”

I can’t believe I said that that’s a shorter version… I can hear you say, “Yeah Sha, were you trying to write me an essay?” I know if you were really here, I’d have gotten you way more gifts… Some would have been our little secret too.

As hard as our days will be, I know you’ll always be with us. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha