All parents remember the day their child was born. Few will have to remember the day their child dies.
I remember almost all of the details 21 years ago. Dad was overseas. You were supposed to be born 3 weeks later. I had seen the O&G just one day before and she had said this baby ain’t coming out for a few weeks. But you had other plans.
At 4am, my waters broke. But despite being the second, I didn’t realise, or I was in denial. I couldn’t accept that Dad was not going to be around. So I called him and said to get to the airport immediately. But you were too fast. 4 hours later, while the anaesthetist was administering the epidural, I was in so much pain I couldn’t even communicate that you were about to be born. Literally 2 minutes later, you came into this world. You were all scrunched up, and had a totally grumpy face. You didn’t even want to open your eyes. It was as if you were pissed off for being disturbed. I remember looking at you and thinking, “ok, this one is not as good looking as the other”. Ammamma cut the cord and minutes later, Jess and Mama came in to see you. Jess was wide-eyed and mesmerised immediately. It was a textbook pregnancy and a textbook birth. Unfortunately, I couldn’t give you a textbook life.
Hours later, Jess finally came to the stark realization that her life had changed forever. She was trying to have a nap and you were crying. She looked at you and said firmly, “it’s sleepy time baby”. As if that would have made a difference.
The first son, grandson, nephew, and the first little boy for several of our friends. Doted on by so, so many. You hardly slept in your cradle. You were passed around like a football from relative to relative, loved beyond measure from the day you arrived.
Strangely, in the first few months and even years, I constantly had a feeling you would be taken away from me much too soon. It was a very unpleasant, scary feeling, and one I was so terrified about, I didn’t tell anyone about it, not even Dad. Over the years, I forgot about this and the feeling went away. I often wonder what I would have done if someone had told me I could have you, but only for 20 years. I guess I would have said, I will take it, and then wrap you up in bubble wrap and cotton wool, and watch you every minute of every day.
In the last 20 years, there were many parties, many cakes, and many, many presents. But like Jess said, and especially in recent years, I think a lot of this was done more for us. Your last birthday especially, I remember you were very quiet and cancelled dinner plans. Even the home-cooked dinner we had at home was briefly hard for you to manage. You were very quiet for a while, but eventually wanted to take some nice pictures and looked happy. Later that night, I asked you what had happened. And you told me you were thinking about J. Did you already know that that would be your last birthday with us?
And so today, we celebrate your life my darling. I am so blessed that Anta, S Mami and family are here to help make this day slightly less painful, and of course all your close friends and mine. It should have been a grand celebration for your 21st, though I think you wouldn’t have wanted that anyway and would have just asked the FTM to come home for dinner and Mario Kart. Well, we will be doing that. We will also be having McDonalds for breakfast, like we did for so many of your birthdays. We will also be getting McDonalds for one of the children’s homes- I think you would have liked that. We will be watching Superman at the cinemas, something you talked about doing for this birthday so much, even on the day you died. One seat will be saved for you. There are many presents. The Batman Lego lovingly bought by Shalini. The Mario and Pokemon stuffed toys bought by Jess and me. A 21st birthday card painfully but most lovingly written by Ammamma and Patta. And even a gift from your lecturer, thoughtfully and beautifully wrapped in purple paper. Mahogany Teakwood candles from Bath and Bodyworks have been bought and lit. So even the house smells of you. We will be releasing 21 purple and gold balloons, one for every year of your life in both earth and heaven, with little messages to you. And we will be watching videos and photos of you, with Domino’s pizza, chicken wings, polar curry puffs and brownies- the usual menu for all your birthday parties. And of course, there will be Mario Kart.
There is a saying that the time of the birth of the child is dependent on the child, not the mother, and not the universe. You were in such a rush to enter this world, but you were in a greater rush to leave it. For the 20+ years you gave us, we will be eternally grateful. I truly think this is the first birthday in a very long time that you are happy.
“This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you”
Happy Heavenly 21st my darling.
With all our love,
Mum, Jess, Shalini, Ammamma, Patta, Tun, Cadbury and Knight
I Swear You Will Be Fine 
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