I Swear You Will Be Fine

*Disclaimer: I might be incoherent in this writing because I’m writing this at 1 a.m. after getting home from celebrating your birthday (the only birthday we’re celebrating). And although I told myself to write this post on the 24^th, I could not mentally do it. I apologize if I sound terrible in this post, and thank you for reading.*

Your birthday was really, really difficult. I was pleased and grateful we got to do what we did, and I have so much to say about how we spent the day, but I think I want to talk about the things and people (mostly) that made me feel grateful.

Firstly, I think I should thank your entire family for having me over. At the start of the year, I was very much worried that I wouldn’t be allowed to come over and sit in your room and miss you because I was “just a girlfriend”. But from the beginning of our grief journey, your family has let me join in on lunches and dinners, birthday days, lighting candles at the church, et cetera. They have allowed my presence on big and little things, and it has helped so much because I know I’m never alone in missing you. I also see a lot of you in them – or rather them in you, because they’re mostly older than you – and that’s so comforting because it’s like you’ve planted little seeds of your personality and they’re growing everywhere. I catch glimpses of you in most of your family I’ve met, and it feels like you’re still here. I’m very grateful for your family, in so many ways, for so many things.

I can’t even begin to talk about each part of your birthday and why I felt so grateful; there’s honestly too many to write about. I think I’ll start talking about the morning. We had breakfast at your place (again, thankful I was invited), and then we played “spoons” – a little table game that I’m sure you’d love. I met one of your aunts for the first time, and it was so easy to get along with her. Like all your relatives that I’ve met, it was so easy to feel comfortable around them because they made it easy. From the morning, we were joined by Auntie A, Auntie S, Uncle C, and their four adorable children – and their presence made everything less difficult. It was still sad, of course, but I was occupied for the whole day, and even laughing with them throughout the day.

When we went to watch Superman, like you said you wanted to, I tried to hold it together for the longest time but couldn’t, and ended up crying after the movie had ended. This sounds quite silly, but I was grateful that I wasn’t alone in crying. At the start of the day, I told myself not to cry. I told myself that if I had to, I should only cry in the evening, when the video I made of you was getting played – that seemed the most appropriate. Jokes on me, because I ended up crying so many times that I went through more than one packet of tissue. But I was never alone in crying. And for that, I am very grateful.

I always knew that you were loved, and you still are. But I felt it so much on your birthday. I felt so grateful that you’re so loved. When your friend J came over specially to drop off flowers and lovely notes for you and your family even though he was in a rush, I felt grateful. When your aunts and uncle flew their families over to spend the day with us, I felt grateful. When your friends dropped their busy lives to spend the evening with us, playing Mario Kart and releasing balloons, I felt grateful. What a privilege it is to love someone who is so loved. I am beyond grateful that I have that privilege.

Before we released balloons, each of your closest friends and family wrote a short note to you. As I was tying my note to the purple balloon I chose for you, I started getting teary again (for the hundredth time). I couldn’t see through the blur of my tears. And your dear Auntie A came over, took the balloon and tangled note from my hands, and helped me with it. Uncle C was standing nearby too and when I asked for a tissue, he brought loads for me (which I really needed, and proceeded to use for the next 30 minutes). I never got to say it, but I was really, really grateful. Grateful that even though I was “just a girlfriend”, just someone they’ve seen less than five times so far, they treated me with so much kindness – all the hugs, the smiles, the games, the tissues, the goodbyes.

When we were releasing the balloons, I couldn’t hold back my tears and sobbed. Girls who were years younger than me came to comfort me. Dearest A, S, and little A, came over to give me hugs and hold my hand. It truly helped so much to not be standing alone, watching the balloons float away. Sweet Auntie K came to give me a hug too. It’s all the people around us who made the day feel so much better. Their kind words and goodbye hugs meant a lot as well. They’ve been nothing but nice from the beginning, but they still surprise me with their thoughtfulness.

I made a 27-minute compilation of your photos and videos for the “party”. I am grateful that people enjoyed it – they laughed, talked about specific moments with you – everything that happened happened as it should have. I wanted the compilation to be a celebration of you, and even though there were some embarrassing clips that you likely would not have allowed me to show anyone, I’m so grateful the compilation achieved what I wanted it to achieve. And I’m extra grateful to all your family and friends who have helped me make it by sending me your photos and videos (some with lengthy captions too).

I am so grateful for your friends too. Some came bearing gifts for you – handwritten notes, flowers, keychains… Most of all, I was so grateful for their presence. I was so grateful for their comforting hugs. Again, these people I’ve only seen three or four times so far. They have shown me nothing but kindness – with their jokes, stories of you, texts.

The texts I’ve received. Your dear Uncle H, who texts me every now and then with beautiful messages, texted me on your birthday evening too. Our kind lecturer, Dr K, texted me in the evening as well, shortly before we opened her gift to you, a little Lego graduation set with you, myself, Lynn, and her. When we opened her gift, Lynn, your mum, and I just burst out crying. She helped you graduate, Josh! Texts I’ve received from your friends after the “party”… All of these I am soooooo grateful for.

I’ve said this line at least ten times now, but I’m so, so grateful that I was allowed to cry whenever I couldn’t hold my emotions back. These people, people I’ve mostly only met this year, have seen me ugly cry more times than my own friends and family have. I will always be grateful. I always worry that I’m “just a girlfriend”, but these people and little instances that feel so big, make me feel so grateful.

And of course, the person I’m most grateful for, is you. I think I’ve got lots to be grateful for with you, but I think I’m most grateful for the love. Since last year, you’ve taught me the meaning of love. I know people throw that phrase around so often and quite meaninglessly, but it’s so apt to describe what you’ve shown me. You’ve truly shown me what love means, starting with our relationship. You continue to show me love through your family and friends. Even if the love is not directed at me, I feel it between them. And I think “Ah, this is what a family who really loves each other looks like.” I don’t think I’ve met a family who’s fuller of love than yours. And I don’t think I’ve met a person who’s fuller of love for others than you.

Josh, I hope you liked what we did today. This post in no way encapsulates all of the goodness and love that overflowed from your birthday; all the goodness and love that should have come out of it, did. I hope you were with us, and I hope the compilation didn’t lovingly embarrass you too much (oopsies). I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha