I Swear You Will Be Fine

So Jess, Shalini and I went to a concert last week. I chanced upon it a few months ago, and we decided it would be nice, given it’s one of your favourite artists.

As the day came closer, I have to admit I was not looking forward to it. It’s been years since I’ve been to a concert. And the heaviness of your approaching birthday didn’t help. We were also tired from multiple recent trips.

On the day itself, we met with “Lynnda” and the four of us had a nice dinner. As we were walking to the theatre, I was actually wondering how long it would take. All I could think of was going to bed, and maybe getting a chocolate milkshake from Carls Junior. As we sat in our seats and waited for the concert to start, the mind and heart were heavy. When I looked around, 99% of the audience were significantly younger than me. Shalini and Jess were helping me spot the ones likely older than me. They were very few. As I looked at the stage, I realised I hadn’t done my homework and didn’t know any of the songs to be performed.

Minutes later, the concert started. 3 guys on the stage- 2 on the keyboard and one on the drums. Jess even had to point out to me who James Blake was. That’s how unprepared I was. The music started with bright, bright lights. Jess didn’t want to look at me as she was laughing. You and her would have had a moment with that. I was thinking to myself, “Josh, I love you. But seriously, what am I doing here? Totally not my scene”. I was worried I would soon get a headache with the electric music and the strobe-like lights.

But about 15 minutes into the show, something changed. I don’t know if it was a familiar song, maybe one you frequently played – “Retrograde”, in the car when I was driving. Or the vision of the stage. In the darkness, and the way the lights projected on the stage, and the position of James Blake (sitting sideways), I somehow felt like I was watching you. You- perhaps a little heavier than you were when you died, but the posture, the hair….it was all so much like you.

Days after you died, I started this thing every night before I go to sleep. And that is to imagine you doing various things, mostly things you never got to do. One of them I repeatedly imagine is you performing on stage, singing and playing the keyboard. With the silhouette I saw on stage, I truly felt like I was watching you. It was like I got you back for a little more than an hour, and the whole thing changed. As Jess said, we never felt closer to you than those 90 minutes. And I got to see you “perform”.

It was beautiful and breath-taking. And the icing on the cake was when James Blake performed “Vincent”. The poem Shalini posted as “Starry, Starry Night”. We didn’t even know this was one of his songs. The words were so, so apt for you, and for us.

I know you were there. Right beside us. Perhaps even lightly dancing to the music, but definitely playing the keyboard and singing so soulfully, as you always do. Thank you for making this happen. It was so, so special.

Love you darling

Mum