I Swear You Will Be Fine

sometimes when we would make certain jokes, i wondered if we are also being borderline mean. but i think between you and sha, you’d always try not to be to overt even though some of our old voice notes may sound otherwise. sha told me that you had asked her to not try to cuss so much in front of me cos i ‘didn’t like it’. i think i probably only mentioned it once in class cos i said something like, it wouldn’t leave a good impression for tutors or like it becomes such a habit that you’d probably not realise it even in future professional settings. i thought i was being the responsible adult to try and share a bit of my own learning (i used to swear so much more), but i didn’t think you’d not only take it to heart but also share it to your girlfriend (newly minted no less at that time).

sometimes we would be the ‘louder’ group in lect because of some weird in-jokes we would share. these days, the in-jokes are still there, even though the group feels significantly smaller, and we would still imagine your responses to it whatever inappropriate remarks we share, laughing soundlessly, body vibrating and eyes squinting to keep a straight face.

but the laughter would fade quickly and the tinge of loneliness and regret replacing it almost immediately – because i’m never gonna be sure if you’d have agreed or disagreed with what we think you’d say. you always had your opinion about everything and i respected that. im sure leia wished you could back her up in the water is wet argument – sorry but sha and i are taking this one.

“Lynnda”