I Swear You Will Be Fine

A few trimesters ago, we were tasked to write a paper diagnosing a fictional or historical character with a mental disorder based on the DSM-5. You were very quick to decide on your character, whereas I spent a few weeks thinking about it. You chose to write about Kendall Roy from the TV show, Succession. I wasn’t at all surprised you chose him. You had a poster of him from the show on your wall, you wrote about Succession for another assignment we had, and you never really stopped talking about Succession even before we started watching it together. You mentioned that Kendall was your favorite character (obviously, photo on the wall and everything), but when we started watching (rewatching, for you) Succession together, you said you forgot how difficult Kendall was as a person. You talked about how you almost can’t stand his personality anymore and even questioned why you liked him in the first place. At one point, you looked at the poster and said, “I have to have him as my favorite ‘cause he’s on my wall”. You liked Kendall’s complexity, but now you preferred Roman (hence, the inspiration for our son’s middle name) because he was sweeter and had a good heart. Succession was a great show for us to psychoanalyze all the characters, and it’s a great regret of mine that we never got to finish it (next time we will!).

Anyway, you chose Kendall Roy for your assignment, and diagnosed him with BPD – you were even making jokes about how you’re diagnosing him with BPD (they were funny jokes, to be fair, like illegally funny). So, you had started writing your paper while I was still deciding between five characters. One of the characters I was seriously considering was the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland. I’ve liked him since I first watched Alice in Wonderland, and I liked him more when I read the book a few years ago. I consulted you on my difficulty making a decision, and told you that I was struggling to choose between diagnosing the Mad Hatter with Schizophrenia/ADHD or Ted Bundy with ASPD. You encouraged me to go for Ted Bundy, as you thought I already had extensive information on him and favored him to write about (you were right). We wrote our papers individually before coming together to read each others’ papers and provide constructive feedback. I’ll always cherish these very nerdy memories of ours (a lot of our memories are quite nerdy, actually).

The other day, I came across this scene from Alice in Wonderland where Alice is saying goodbye to Mad Hatter, worried that she might never see him again. Mad Hatter then tries to reassure her and says:

“In the gardens of memory, in the palace of dreams, that is where you and I will meet.”

Alice was still uneasy, and said that a dream isn’t a reality. To which Mad Hatter says, “Who’s to say which is which?”

I’ve been thinking about this line a lot ever since I heard it again, seeing as that is where I see you these days – in the gardens of my memory and the palace of my dreams. It is painful, to only see you there, but Mad Hatter might be on to something. Who is to say what reality is? This thought crossed my mind a few months after you passed – that dreams feel like my reality more than reality does – because I look forward to sleeping more than I look forward to being awake. And I think I will be quite alright with living like this, as long as I can see you again whenever I close my eyes.

But really though, can I complain? At least I get to see you frequently in beautiful places in my dreams. Most times, I get to conjure up scenarios of us as I daydream too. What more can I ask for at this point?

I can’t wait to see you again tonight. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha