I Swear You Will Be Fine

I have to (now embarrassingly) admit that I USED TO belong to the group who frowned upon tattoos. I could never understand it. Why anyone would want to permanently ink/ damage their body was something I could never understand. Even my bestie having a tattoo didn’t sway me. Why I never compared it to a ear piercing is beyond me.

Josh darling, you know we started discussions about tattoos years ago. I constantly tried to delay it. At some point last year, both you and Jess decided you would at some point soon, get it done.

When you first told me about Shalini, I was guarded, but excited at the same time. My baby boy….getting a girlfriend! It felt like your whole life had turned around. And there was a beautiful future to look forward to. But, I was honestly not too happy when you mentioned to me that Shalini had tattoos. Yes, yes, that’s the backward Mum I was. But I tried not to let it bother me. It was many days after I met Shalini that I caught a glimpse of her beautiful flower tattoo. I thought it was nice, but still have to admit at the time, that I would rather she not have tattoos. Yes, yes, I know.

Poor Shalini was constantly covering up whenever she saw me. Months later when I was overseas, you texted me and asked if she could stop covering up when she saw Ammamma. And I had asked you if it was bothering Shalini. Your answer was, “No, no, I just feel sorry for her. It’s so warm”. Another testament to the beautiful and respectful pair you both were.

When you told me Shalini was planning to get another tattoo and saving up for it, I secretly wished it would take her a long time to save up….yes, yes, bad Mum, bad person. I remember the day you went to pick her up when she got that tattoo. Days later, Shalini was at home when I came home. I caught the tiniest glimpse of the new tattoo but diverted my eyes immediately. But it was too late. Both of you had noticed my reaction. The eye diversion was not because I didn’t like the tattoo- I didn’t like ANOTHER tattoo.

After Shalini left, you came to my room and calmly said “that wasn’t very nice Mum, she noticed you didn’t like it”. I got super angry. After a mildly heated exchange, I walked away pretending to need the bathroom. Minutes later, while I was watching TV in my room, I heard hysterical sobbing. Like gasping and crying, all in one. In my mind, I thought, “for f*** sake”. But as usual, I walked out to the living room, where you were seated in your favourite sofa, uncontrollably sobbing. I hugged you and calmly told you, it wasn’t that I didn’t like the tattoo. In fact I didn’t even see it. It’s just that I don’t like tattoos. We hugged each other and you were fine. That was the nature of our relationship. You could never handle anyone upsetting me. Especially Dad. But even friends and family. And perhaps most importantly, you. Almost every time we had a quarrel, it wouldn’t be long before either of us would approach each other to make amends. I cannot even begin to imagine what you needed to do to overcome the thoughts of upsetting me with your last action.

Anyway, late October, I finally relented and agreed to you getting a tattoo. The French Toast Mafia was your first option. I didn’t oppose but hoped you would change your mind. Thank God you changed it to the dogs. I remember when I talked about it to Aunty B, she said which 20 year old would wait to get permission from his Mum before getting a tattoo. Not only from me, you waited several weeks till nearly end of December to get permission from Ammamma. Meanwhile, you had started getting the design.

On the day of your funeral, as I sat next to you, I had an absurd thought. Generally, I think we managed to give you most of what you wanted in your short life. The tattoo was one you didn’t get to do and it was really bothering me. In those crazy hours, the thought of getting a tattoo artist to come and tattoo your body did cross my mind. But I let it go. Doubt anyone would have done it anyway.

Months later, Shalini showed me the design of what should have been your tattoo. We had known it would be the dogs, but I think you were going to surprise us with the dogs in the “Up” theme with the little boy and old man. Was it intentional? You knew that Jess had a plan of getting a tattoo of the “Up” house with the balloons, and that it was my idea. It’s sad that you never saw the final design. But I guess you’re seeing it now all the time, on Shalini’s arm.

And so, this week has been another week full of emotions and extra heaviness. We are beyond blessed and eternally grateful that Shalini decided to get your tattoo. How the tables have turned. The person I was in October last year not wanting her to get another tattoo, was now eagerly waiting for her to get THIS tattoo. Shalini also failed to mention that she went through a grueling 9 hour session of pain and hunger, which nearly ended up with her fainting. I love you Josh, but I don’t think I could have done this for you. I didn’t want to see it in photo and so we waited till the next day when I saw it in person. Jess also wanted me to be the first to see it. It is so, so special. Words cannot possibly describe the feeling.

And so, we get to see this beautiful tattoo of Knight and Cadbury (with Ace and Chubs). How nice it would have been to see it on you. But this was a close, close second place. You must be absolutely ecstatic Josh!

Also, I promise I have changed my mind about tattoos.

Love you darling,

Mum